violet

I am one of those types of people that wakes up everyday and appreciates to no end that I'm not old yet. I reminisce about when I was 15, and all the wonderful feelings I had of coming of age... you know the first time you get naked with someone... the first time you fall in love and have a relationship that lasts longer than a few weeks...the first time someone sees the beauty in you that your too young and dumb to see in yourself yet. I definitely don't miss the insecurities of adolescence..or the pimples... but I do miss the feeling of being so young, that I had to look forward to driving a car for the first time by myself... or that first night after graduating from college and living on my own for the first time.

I think i am addicted to Firsts...new things. Some people may be into bungee jumping, or sky diving... what thrills me is the experience of the unknown. This mostly happens with boys and jobs...as you all might be able to tell.

I cherish those memories of my firsts and cherish present times now. I have one of those feelings that I must live every second to the fullest as I know some day I will look back and reminisce of these times and I really want them to be as good as I will remember, not just some idealized fantasy of how things were...but just knowing how things were really great.

There are so many mixed emotions, happy that I'm almost done with my MBA, pissed I'm graduating with only a 3.6 instead of a 4.0... ooh cry me a river i know. But as I get older, I just want to push and push to be my best self, I want to be something special. I want to do something that makes me feel content and fufilled, and have it not be a temporary situation......

I feel mixed emotions cause I take on so many things at once because there are so many things that I want to do, but then sometimes I just get overwhelmed and take a nap, or watch tv, or spend money I don't have, or eat sushi till I burst, or reminisce about things I shouldn't. But these things are all a part of having a wonderful life.. is being a procrastinator.

I do live in the past really I do, but I live in the present too. Mostly I live in the past because I cherish these moments of awakening where I feel complete, or content or inspired, moments where I connect with people and feel like its going to be that way forever...
Although It never is. Nothing is permanent...

Even if you fall in love with someone and you get married and you make babies, everyone is going to die eventually.. Including you.

Taking death out of the equation because that is inevitable, the future may hold nothing but tragedy, a barren body when all you want is to experience having a child, an abusive spouse that kills your selfworth, a car crash that deforms your face, homelessness, an addiction that rules your life, a marriage that seems perfect that leads to divorce, your kids can turn into the next Hitler, and here you were just trying to lead a good life.

So what do you have, the present, and those things that you want to remember of your past. The heartaches sometimes feel so good to actually feel something. I feel sorry for those who go through their life numbing pain, or hiding behind jobs that don't make them happy. I feel like saying, life is too short to hate your life... everyone should do what they can to live their destiny and never settle for anything less.

I love my life....I guess the only thing I don't like is saying good bye to today, and hoping tomorrow will be just as good.