violet

Been having tough days lately.... maybe adjusting.. maybe the weather is so rad that my mind has exploded into a dark bliss of nothingness. Recovered from a dual eye infection, then pulled a muscle in my neck.... am having feelings for one of my best friends and I don't know what to do about it. I told him before I left for Tokyo, and it didn't go over well. My presentation and timing couldn't have been worse. Ah, I have kind of come to terms with the fact that nothing will come of it, because our bodies just don't fit together....we dated for like a week 8 years ago, and it didn't work... he loves women that weigh like 100lbs. It makes sense, he is kinda thin. I also have a huge crush on his best friend. His best friend is just like him but has a much more well fit body for mine. And he has such a similar personality, they are in the same band, and live in the same house.... He is so amazingly hot and talented and I just want to jump him about everytime i see him. But said best friend, doesn't think our personalities will work together...and I ask him why and he said, "well I know you both very well, and I just don't think it would work." I kind of take offense to this..... I mean he thinks he knows me, and he does, but he also hasn't ever been in a real relationship with me, so he doesn't know my charms to the fullest extent. God, everytime I hang out with both of them, i feel like I have died and gone to boy heaven.

Still holding strong with the no sex, I have given into solo time about 3 times this month.....but only out of complete neccessity still much better than fucking a loser. Its been amazing and incredibly hard to not pacify my lonliness, pain, anxiety and desire to be loved with sex or alcohol, I just do yoga and feel the pain.

I just feel it, and cry and feel like shit and then do yoga and feel better...and process what my problems are without ignoring them anymore.

Now I am on my way to go on a date with a guy who is super cute, but is 40! Oldest guy I have ever gone on a date with but he's incredibly charming and looks about 32. I'm excited. We're going on a picnic in the park.