violet

November 13th, 2005

My night tonight was crazy! Full of dancing, karoke debauchery, and nonesense it was seriously one of the funnest nights I have had with this group of friends in a long time. I got drunk earlier in the evening and stayed pretty sober for the rest of the evening. My stomach was killing me from mixing alcohols earlier in the evening, and I am such a fish slut, I ate uber amounts of sushi before I went to the second half of the reception which consisted of sitting in the Jupiter hotel with 40 of my friends drinking, and smoking tons of cigarettes. Bleh...I hate and love smoking, and I hate and love drinking.

It was weird because I did a lot of sitting back and analyzing my life while crazy shit was happening around me, I had all these minature epiphanies..., I went to the traditional wedding reception for my good friends who got married earlier in the day, and it was really a very sweet reception that they had.

They showed a video of them getting married on the beach in Hawaii, and everyone was getting all teary when they showed them telling each other their vows. And I started thinking about my life, and how happy I was for
them, but at the same time how much I love my life the way it is too without that picture perfect romance. I mean it would be nice, but I defintely don't think it's the answer to being completely happy. I guess i feel so removed from that kind of situation because unfortunately i don't think I have ever experienced having a mutual loving, healthy relationship before. In fact I don't even think I know what that is

Ok that isn't entirely true, I think I experienced something of the sort when I was 15-18 years old when I had this really great boyfriend who I loved, and he loved me back and everything was really unrealistic because it was in high school, but It was probably the closest thing I had ever encountered that was remotely like what I would consider healthy and mutual, and of course loving.

Now, at this point in my life I think I have partially abandoned the idea of hoping that something like this picture perfect romance situation will ever happen to me. And fortunately I'm ok with that. I'm kind of gravy either way. I think that is why I feel so happy these days, because I kind of just don't give a fuck.

On the other hand, I see this whole wedding ceremony happen and its so movie perfect, and then I realize maybe its this totally fantastic thing that I'm missing out on.

But then i remember, that nothing is perfect... and its all kind of a phisod.

I like the fact I can totally have control over my own life at the moment and not have to even really consider anyone else. That will probably change in time I think...pending on how life changes... Y'know?

Since that fairytale bullshit can't be created, I don't really worry about it, so instead I started thinking about all the things I want to change to make my life better. Y'know like quit smoking, eat healthier, stop drinking so much.... cause even though I'm stokked about all that is happening with my businesses and my friendships, etc. I really kind of feel unhealthy. Maybe sometimes I have too much fun!

I also looked around the room seeing all these people on one hand being happy for my friends and some others were feeling sad i think, that they don't have that kind of relationship with someone, or that the relationship that they might have may not be going the way they want it. etc. And then I kind of got annoyed with the idea of weddings, here is an event where two people get to share their love and devotion for each other, and its so "great" blah ditty freaking dah, but then there are all these other people that either 1.) have hope that something that great will happen to them too or 2.) feel like shit because their afraid it will never happen that way for them.

I was thinking about how lucky I was that I am still only 25 years old and I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm very happy that I'm not trapped in a bad situation as some people are.

Its a wonderful feeling to have no drama in my life really..It's sad to think though that even if someday I do grow up and get married and do all that white picket fence crap, that it is such a truth that everyone dies alone, and all our life amounts to is just moments. So I am now thinking, well shit. I need to have more fun moments, but try to do it healthy.

I even thought about taking a break from drinking! Eep! Amazing! I started to think about how much money I would save, and how much better I would feel not having all those empty calories. Yes drinking is fun, but I think I might be growing bored with it, and I want to do something really fantastic. I want to take that same energy and do something seriously bitchin! Like write a pulitzer prize winning novel about the amazing world of Slugs or something. hahahaha. Ok maybe not, but you catch my drift.