I haven't blogged or anything in ages, but I am an armchair philosopher. I am someone that thinks too much. Sometimes it's a wonderful thing, other times it can be very destructive.
I'm doing this.... my mind dump on a site where people come to see girls and most likely to hear what is on their minds, so I expect this post will probably only be for my own benefit, but that's still cool. It's a process of thinking things through... saying my thoughts then maybe letting them go.
I was always a geeky kid. Very small, but with a chip on my shoulder. People tried picking on me. I guess I seemed like an easy mark. I always fought back though. Well.... almost always. When I was outnumbered, I definitely got intimidated, but that didn't happen often. It was usually the lone bully, and they usually didn't count on the small guy actually fighting. I can only remember a handful of times where there was actually ever blood. Only once in my memory where the bully followed through and gave me a sound thrashing. By college, I had a more physical job and I started lifting weights... and I gained muscle. Then... all these years later I have some fat over the top of it. I'm not that little guy any more and people pretty much leave me alone...
But...
That defensiveness... it never died. I don't like it. I want to be the guy who laughs things off that should be laughed off. I'm getting better at it as years progress, but it's not perfect. I'm starting to think I'm always the guy who sees himself as he believes others see him. I hate that. I want to be the guy I am and screw the approval of others. It's not who I am though.
Now I find myself back in school again, taking classes with much younger men and being sized up and literally graded on my performance by these young men as well. I get my massive satisfaction when I succeed, but when I fail, I feel like the spotlight is on me.... which is entirely untrue.
I have been diagnosed with this disease. Bipolar 1 disorder. My mind races. Then another disease... dysthymia... kind of a chronic low-grade depression. So I live in this eternal mish mash of normal days where I always feel a little inadequate, but overall okay, combined with days my mind races. That mind racing can lead to all kinds of things... obsession... mild paranoia... rage. Then there are the depressions. Fucking awful darkness. Almost needing a crane to lift myself off the bed and some days nearly impossible to do the things I need to do. I ache inside and I look to outside sources to try to make sense of why I am hurting when it can't be made sense of. Ultimately I only hurt because I hurt.
But.... to my point. I so often wonder how much of who I am is dictated by these diseases (oh...mix generalized anxiety disorder in there too) and how much is just dictated by my basic personality. Is there even such a distinction that can be drawn? Are my diseases a fundamental part of my personality? Without the struggles with my unhappiness and insecurity would I be the person I am? And...I'm a decent person. People generally like me... I've never gone to jail. I *have* done some things that nearly got me sent there... things that make me embarrassed to think of, but they are definitely exceptions to the rule of how I behave.
So... overall... is it something to change... or something to embrace? Maybe both?