Sometimes I feel like I would do anything to get a girl to tell me she likes me. Such desperation clouds my mind like a blanket of insanity that I feel like nothing is worth it if I am unloved, so why not do anything if only for a brief moment of approval before I self-destruct? Moments like that scare me. If humans are infinitely capable of good or evil, then what would it take to make a soul like mine that wants to be good change its mind and want to be evil? Will I one day give in to all my self-doubt and -loathing and become a serial killer in an effort to make the world feel my pain? Considering all the bad things I did when I was a kid, is it possible that it is my destiny to be evil, and fighting it is only an exercise in futility? Maybe god makes evil people for the same reason he made Lucifer, because without a tangible evil, there is no comparison from which to determine good.
It sounds so petty and childish, "I am evil because no one loves me".
If desparation is a turn off, then I am fucked. I shall just have to sit quietly until I become comfortable with myself again, and then it will be safe to go out and talk to girls again. Actually, mabe talking to girls is the problem. The more women I see and talk to, the more pathetic and unwanted I feel. When I am alone I can forget that they even exist, and there I find peace.
Hell, if that is true, then mebee I need to become a monk, and suclude myself away from all this sexual desire and frustration so that I can be free from temptation. "If your eye offends you, pluck it out" and so forth.
With all that I have been given, above average intelligence, a strong, healthy body, a free world to live in, with all that I still feel like a child lost in a great department store, trying to find his way back home.
Hmph. Let me recite a few pathetic self affirmations, like a mantra, and perhaps I can find the strength to be dignified.
I am strong, smart, reasonably handsome, and of a good heart. Though I am lonely now, and it feels hopeless, somewhere in this world is a woman who will love me as I love her. God would not leave me hanging. I will suffer, but I will not break. I cannot be broken, I can only choose to break. Pain and loneliness are my closest friends. If I can learn to love them, then nothing will hurt me. I will not give up on love. Hope is my masochism. The more it hurts, the more I will cling to it. Even if I die miserable and alone, it's my own damn fault and I will never hurt anyone else because of it.
Hmph. Stoopid parents, they could have taught me anything, but they chose to teach me that there is a hell. Fine, let there be a hell if there must, and I will burn for eternity, if that is the way it must be, but I will welcome the flames, and love them, and they will be part of me.
Man, am I ever on a sick sadomasochistic streak of self pity today. I think I'm gonna whack it and then go kill things.
It sounds so petty and childish, "I am evil because no one loves me".
If desparation is a turn off, then I am fucked. I shall just have to sit quietly until I become comfortable with myself again, and then it will be safe to go out and talk to girls again. Actually, mabe talking to girls is the problem. The more women I see and talk to, the more pathetic and unwanted I feel. When I am alone I can forget that they even exist, and there I find peace.
Hell, if that is true, then mebee I need to become a monk, and suclude myself away from all this sexual desire and frustration so that I can be free from temptation. "If your eye offends you, pluck it out" and so forth.
With all that I have been given, above average intelligence, a strong, healthy body, a free world to live in, with all that I still feel like a child lost in a great department store, trying to find his way back home.
Hmph. Let me recite a few pathetic self affirmations, like a mantra, and perhaps I can find the strength to be dignified.
I am strong, smart, reasonably handsome, and of a good heart. Though I am lonely now, and it feels hopeless, somewhere in this world is a woman who will love me as I love her. God would not leave me hanging. I will suffer, but I will not break. I cannot be broken, I can only choose to break. Pain and loneliness are my closest friends. If I can learn to love them, then nothing will hurt me. I will not give up on love. Hope is my masochism. The more it hurts, the more I will cling to it. Even if I die miserable and alone, it's my own damn fault and I will never hurt anyone else because of it.
Hmph. Stoopid parents, they could have taught me anything, but they chose to teach me that there is a hell. Fine, let there be a hell if there must, and I will burn for eternity, if that is the way it must be, but I will welcome the flames, and love them, and they will be part of me.
Man, am I ever on a sick sadomasochistic streak of self pity today. I think I'm gonna whack it and then go kill things.
roxxee:
We are moving to Wiesbaden. Unfortunately, I don't speak a word of German. But, I'm gonna take some classes on base. 
Btw, personaly, I don't believe in Hell. I know what it's like to feel like you have no identity without a significant other. It's a terrible place to feel that you are alone and unloved. I was married to a horrible, sadistic man and felt that way all the time. I would have and sometimes did anything to get his approval, just because I wanted to be loved. That didn't make me evil. It made me desperate and broken. I must tell you from personal experience that the person you WANT to be with will love you for who you are and expect nothing but you, yourself. I know everything I'm saying is pretty worn out but I swear it's true. 
Btw, personaly, I don't believe in Hell. I know what it's like to feel like you have no identity without a significant other. It's a terrible place to feel that you are alone and unloved. I was married to a horrible, sadistic man and felt that way all the time. I would have and sometimes did anything to get his approval, just because I wanted to be loved. That didn't make me evil. It made me desperate and broken. I must tell you from personal experience that the person you WANT to be with will love you for who you are and expect nothing but you, yourself. I know everything I'm saying is pretty worn out but I swear it's true.