I wrote this little piece over on
FB to explain where my thoughts have come from recently:
"Later, 2010, and thanks for the memories"
It's amazing the amount of growth one individual can sustain in 365 days without even realizing it.
December 31, 2009 found me in a position I did not want to accept. The reality of my actions had begun to sink in and truth was presenting itself in ways I refused to acknowledge. I took everything as a negative and was looking to 2010 as if it was my holy savior, as if the beginning of a new year could solve all my problems. Nothing could be as horrific as 2009, 2008 or *shiver* 2007, therefore, the restart of the calendar HAD to spell my redemption.
Lord was I a fool.
2010 was NOT what I anticipated whatsoever. I thought I would have a banner year, things would go my way at every turn and I would run off into complete bliss with a big "eff you" to everyone who didn't rally behind me. In actuality, my heart was broken, my health drained and my faith in humanity shattered. I lost an incredible friend to a horrific tragedy, realized 4 people I adored with all my heart lived on the other side of the Atlantic and came to terms with how in love with one single person who simply did not give a shit about me I was. It's alway the little things that add up.
Its funny, it took me until December 23 of 2010 to look back and realize the lessons I have learned and take what I could from them. A last minute disappointment that Thursday evening seemed to send me into a tale spin of depression. I let myself wallow in unnecessary grief for about an hour before I found myself in front of my bathroom mirror, wondering why I was letting this seemingly little interruption upset me.
In the course of three minutes, I realized I didn't do a damn thing for me in 2010. Not a damn thing. I let people walk all over me, use me, abuse me, lie to me, break me. I let someone make a million promises and not see them through, then act like it didn't mean much to me, when in reality, it meant EVERYTHING to me.
I need to grow the hell up and look out for #1: Me. I'm bound to have a broken heart if I do, but so what? There are worse thing out there than a 23 year old independent career woman scarred by the world and all its deceit. 2010 taught me a lot more than I ever realized and it took the year almost ending for me to see that.
As fucked up as it sounds, everything that happened this year I needed to occur to me in order to mature as a being.
December 31, 2010 and the pressure to once again write a "Resolution" list is bearing down on myself and everyone else I know. Do you want to lose weight? This year, are you going to finally quit smoking? Will you find the love of your life? Are you ready to move across the country? Time to curb the drinking? Get a new job?
How bout this one: Be Free.
And smile. I'm highly looking forward to that one.
Here's to a healthy 2011, with my friends, family and the people who truly matter most by my side. I don't need a "fresh start" to know who I am. I need me.
All my love
xoxo
