vervain______

i'm
running another
red.
i'm going
on another
fool's erand
dragging my ass
more than halfway
across town,
taking in
big gulps of
air
to gain
my freedom.
of course,
the guilt
in me
has
its own voice,
it says
who needs
freedom
when you have a
child,
a healthy child
a smart child?
but
i don't always
listen
to
that
voice.
i remind myself...
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she says
i hope
we can
get together
today
and
i feel like hell
with a
as always
and
what's new?
there is nothing to say
on this end,
my end,
now.
there is only a thick silence
no more
wasted words /
expressed worry
though
the worry is here
giving off
its own quiet waves.
she never could
take care of herself.
she could...
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how is it?
like black coated steel.
unhuggable
pressing down,
a dead wieght.
when will it end?
soon, i hope.
(look how i leave it up to fate or time)
how is it?
it is me.
(i use no sugar
or colors
or personality
to justify my experience.)


tonglen.
breathe it in.
everything ugly.
the worst.
but
what is dispised is shoved somewhere
else
seperated...
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your sickness
and my own
hoplessness
are
interchangable.
5 days of
vomiting
diareah
the battle for equalibrium rages on.
(that is all i have ever known)
an ongoing war/
a wounded life.
to the hospital
we go
getting fluids to stay in you
through the vein
but
nothing is foolproof
there is no
easy solution
and
the line slips out
and
there is blood
on...
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these are
the terrifying words
the terrifying poems.
all i need is a pillow
to
shove under his arm
and he will think
i'm still there.
(and i do)
all i need is a cause
to move myself to,
to move myself away from
send me
down
the blue staircase
to breathe outside air.
a key
and wheels
and i'm gone
feeling brave
to feel...
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need to write something new but don't have much energy to.....that ought to do it. done!

moved into the new pad. it is great.
baby is sick. i had to work up to using the snot sucker on him. it gets easier if perspective is kept....it will make him feel better. there are moments when i realize just how much balls (and boobs if your nursing - trust me on this one) it takes to be a mother / parent. oh...
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what could you do? what wall could you fill? and with what? i don't know. i don't know.

i am waiting on a tiny person to tell me what to do, where to go and for how long. what a shitty trip it is sometimes, and, yeah, yeah, it is heartmelting in other moments. i am having alot of fun buying things for the new apartment. so far, it is really cool. the sofa is being delivered on monday. we are moving the...
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that crow is back again - that tocan without the colors, its huge mouth no longer craving my hair. before, it was simple really. a beak opening and closing over fibers, perhaps tugging them, causing me the pain that comes with hair pulling. now things are more complicated. once something begins talking, the world changes.

you are death.

another warning, another day.

you are death....
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