i can't sleep because i have to. it is the worst motivation to tell yourself when your not sleeping that you should be because you know how tommorrow will be if you don't and so on...of course the floor is shit for comfort but i am not waking the milk monster up with even a soundless sneak into the bedroom. he knows when i enter. don't ask me how. so, i am laying in the hallway listening for his cry so i can march into the bedroom like the soldier (or idiot) i am and put his body back to sleep with my tit. or hear the door creak open when he walks out of the bedroom in a kind of sleep walk towards me. one night, the sight of his small body finding his way to me through the dark scared me. i tried to explain this to my husband and he didn't understand why i would be scared by my own child. it might be the sleep deprivation or the insomnia or that my only reason for breathing at night seems to be to listen with a dog's hearing for any sound that might indicate a needed intervention and a quick and patient response no matter how many times his waking occurs.
i am doing this because i don't want to let him cry it out but i am TIRED. so tired in fact, i'm not even tired anymore (though my eyeballs are starting to resemble red marbles). until i come up with a better solution...
i am doing this because i don't want to let him cry it out but i am TIRED. so tired in fact, i'm not even tired anymore (though my eyeballs are starting to resemble red marbles). until i come up with a better solution...
Is your son's feeding sporadic? Or have you managed to guide him into a rhythm of feeding at set times? My sister-in-law has gotten into a rhythm of feeding my niece only during the day, so that they both get a decent amount of sleep during the night. Mind you, she feeds her with the bottle - she gave up breastfeeding quite quickly, which I always thought was a shame; but then there are upsides and downsides to both approaches, especially if the husband isn't providing much support. My brother is a very supportive husband, and a very good father, both in seeing to practical matters and also in giving his wife emotional support.
Kids love rhythm, I know that much. It supposedly gives them a feeling of security, of safety - they feel protected by it, as if by an invisible force field or something; it gives them a sense of well-being. That's why nursery rhymes are so appealing to them, and songs, because of the rhythm of the repeated rhymes and the flowing back and forth of the lines. Music and painting and all that as well, like I mentioned before - they create a kind of air that children are happiest breathing.
I can't help but think the bottom line is that you need to think more about yourself. I don't think any child would benefit from having a completely selfless mother; quite the opposite, in fact. My own mother has always been too selfless where I'm concerned, and I grew up feeling too attached to her, like I couldn't exist anywhere except by her side. I think she maybe realises now that she should have held herself back a bit more, found the balance.