Why are there some times in your life you are so deliriously happy, so happy you feel fuzzy and free. every movement feels comfortable and right. you feel like nothing could take away this feeling. then here are the other times. the times like these when you feel numb. Lonely even when you have people around you. every movement feels stained and cumbersome like your in someone else's body. you want to be happy an you pretend to feel happy but there is nothing behind your smile. this is a bad way to feel as a mother. and one of the few things you do feel is guilt because you know that enjoying your baby should not be a strain. i try not to let her know how im feeling and still go through the motions but when all i want is a break is hard to have patience.
To my family and friends i am the girl who is happy. i have a loving partner, happy daughter and things always work themselves out for me. eventually. I am the one they all come to when their lives are in the shit, when they need advice or just someone to listen to all their problems. My older sister is pregnant with her second child and wishes she hadn't kept it. my younger sister lives in a fantasy world which is slowly starting to show the cracks of reality and she isn't handling it well at all. but at 21 with a child. reality has a way of catching up with you. my best friend has three daughter and the pain of loosing her first child that she will be burdened with for the rest of her life. the pain of that will never pass and i could never (nor want to) imagine the pain she goes through every minute. alcohol and her do not mix. with all of them asking 'what should i do?' and never 'how are you feeling?' i feel like everyone has problems but no one wants to hear yours. they are to busy talking instead of listening.
But like all 'numb' times, this time will pass. they always do. its what makes the good times so good. the feeling of freedom from the torment of numbness. the beautiful way everything looks clear and not cloudy. smiles feel effortless and light. anger and pain feel so far away like some distant memory of a jilted lover. perhaps all i need is a break from this mundane routine. or perhaps i should just wait for the happy times. they always come. eventually.
To my family and friends i am the girl who is happy. i have a loving partner, happy daughter and things always work themselves out for me. eventually. I am the one they all come to when their lives are in the shit, when they need advice or just someone to listen to all their problems. My older sister is pregnant with her second child and wishes she hadn't kept it. my younger sister lives in a fantasy world which is slowly starting to show the cracks of reality and she isn't handling it well at all. but at 21 with a child. reality has a way of catching up with you. my best friend has three daughter and the pain of loosing her first child that she will be burdened with for the rest of her life. the pain of that will never pass and i could never (nor want to) imagine the pain she goes through every minute. alcohol and her do not mix. with all of them asking 'what should i do?' and never 'how are you feeling?' i feel like everyone has problems but no one wants to hear yours. they are to busy talking instead of listening.
But like all 'numb' times, this time will pass. they always do. its what makes the good times so good. the feeling of freedom from the torment of numbness. the beautiful way everything looks clear and not cloudy. smiles feel effortless and light. anger and pain feel so far away like some distant memory of a jilted lover. perhaps all i need is a break from this mundane routine. or perhaps i should just wait for the happy times. they always come. eventually.