For years I have been against the idea of mind altering drugs. This includes those prescribed by Doctors. The idea of using medication to alter the state of a person's mind scared the hell out of me...
You might be wondering where I am going with this, so I will get to the point...
On the morning of Monday, 23rd of June 2008 I had an emotional break down. This was not the first collapse I have suffered since returning from Iraq, but this was by far the worst. I was attending my Unit's Annual Training at Ft. Riley, we were having breakfast and trying to stay on our feet after only an hour of sleep the night before. One of my fellow Sergeants, as well as new found friend, suddenly asked if I was feeling all right. I answered yes only to have him ask a second time. It was at that moment I fell straight back.
Wade caught me and screamed for a medic. I recall the odd feeling of at least five pairs of hands struggling to hold me up while stripping away my weapon and body armor. They guided me to a seated position and asked me again if I was all right. I broke down and started to cry. I cried so hard that I was shaking violently as they tried to calm me.
In a split second I began to hyperventilate. This was a new experience for me, and not one I ever wish to have again. I was repeatably asked to take deep breaths in an attempt to slow my breathing. They asked me a series of questions, again in an attempt to slow my breathing, upon this option failing they loaded me into a van and sped off to the ER.
Much of this story I had to be told. I suffered disorientation and some memory loss from the events of the morning. On the trip to the hospital I began to lose feeling in my arms, from my hands to my elbows. A funny little thing that happens when you start to hyperventilate, it reaches a point where you stop getting air completely and the brain in an attempt to save its self cuts blood off from the extremities. Sounds very logical now, but at the time I had no knowledge of said events, so it only made me hyperventilate even harder.
As I am sure you have already determined for your selfs, I did survive. I had to see a Psychiatrist. (Wow that word looks odd) And through his counsel and consulting my 1st Sergeant I was sent home to seek aid through the VA. (Veteran Affairs for you civilians out there)
Upon meeting my new Brain Doctor it has been determined that I have a Depression Disorder. To those of you that have known me a long time this probably isn't a big surprise. I will be put on medication and receive further counseling in hopes of curing the disorder as well as restoring focus and memory loss that I have suffered since the events of Iraq.
I will be tested for TBI (traumatic brain injury) since I tested positive through the questionnaire. This doesn't mean I have TBI, it just means I have to have the test. I currently do not test positive for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) however this in no way means that Iraq wasn't the final push for my disorder, it simply means that I will become a lot worse if I don't take steps to fix this now.
I hope that coming forward publicly about my current condition doesn't come back to bite me in the ass, but being that my Military career has already be affected by these events I figure its public enough. (And no, they are not booting me out, in fact the military is being very supportive of my recovery)
I will post about the medication once I know for sure what I will be taking, and we can walk together in the chemical imbalance that shall be my state of mind.
One thing I hope is that this will return my ability to draw, for I haven't done much this year, and I believe the depression and anxiety have played major roles in that.
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"Congratulations. Was it worth it? The only thing you have managed to break so far is my Heart. This isn't so brave, its murder. What did I ever do to you? You don't even care do you? Please proceed into Android Hell!!!!" ~Portal
You might be wondering where I am going with this, so I will get to the point...
On the morning of Monday, 23rd of June 2008 I had an emotional break down. This was not the first collapse I have suffered since returning from Iraq, but this was by far the worst. I was attending my Unit's Annual Training at Ft. Riley, we were having breakfast and trying to stay on our feet after only an hour of sleep the night before. One of my fellow Sergeants, as well as new found friend, suddenly asked if I was feeling all right. I answered yes only to have him ask a second time. It was at that moment I fell straight back.
Wade caught me and screamed for a medic. I recall the odd feeling of at least five pairs of hands struggling to hold me up while stripping away my weapon and body armor. They guided me to a seated position and asked me again if I was all right. I broke down and started to cry. I cried so hard that I was shaking violently as they tried to calm me.
In a split second I began to hyperventilate. This was a new experience for me, and not one I ever wish to have again. I was repeatably asked to take deep breaths in an attempt to slow my breathing. They asked me a series of questions, again in an attempt to slow my breathing, upon this option failing they loaded me into a van and sped off to the ER.
Much of this story I had to be told. I suffered disorientation and some memory loss from the events of the morning. On the trip to the hospital I began to lose feeling in my arms, from my hands to my elbows. A funny little thing that happens when you start to hyperventilate, it reaches a point where you stop getting air completely and the brain in an attempt to save its self cuts blood off from the extremities. Sounds very logical now, but at the time I had no knowledge of said events, so it only made me hyperventilate even harder.
As I am sure you have already determined for your selfs, I did survive. I had to see a Psychiatrist. (Wow that word looks odd) And through his counsel and consulting my 1st Sergeant I was sent home to seek aid through the VA. (Veteran Affairs for you civilians out there)
Upon meeting my new Brain Doctor it has been determined that I have a Depression Disorder. To those of you that have known me a long time this probably isn't a big surprise. I will be put on medication and receive further counseling in hopes of curing the disorder as well as restoring focus and memory loss that I have suffered since the events of Iraq.
I will be tested for TBI (traumatic brain injury) since I tested positive through the questionnaire. This doesn't mean I have TBI, it just means I have to have the test. I currently do not test positive for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) however this in no way means that Iraq wasn't the final push for my disorder, it simply means that I will become a lot worse if I don't take steps to fix this now.
I hope that coming forward publicly about my current condition doesn't come back to bite me in the ass, but being that my Military career has already be affected by these events I figure its public enough. (And no, they are not booting me out, in fact the military is being very supportive of my recovery)
I will post about the medication once I know for sure what I will be taking, and we can walk together in the chemical imbalance that shall be my state of mind.
One thing I hope is that this will return my ability to draw, for I haven't done much this year, and I believe the depression and anxiety have played major roles in that.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Congratulations. Was it worth it? The only thing you have managed to break so far is my Heart. This isn't so brave, its murder. What did I ever do to you? You don't even care do you? Please proceed into Android Hell!!!!" ~Portal
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
mao:
yAy! foR mY neW fRiend!!! 
stellae:
Thank you for your comment, I wish you the best! 