The past few years of my life have been spent worrying on how to show my mother that I'm growing up. When I try it never seems to work, because, well, we never see much of each other and I make it that way. Honestly, this past summer has humbled and tumbled me in many ways. I left something that was abusive even though it was the love of my life. I spent many days and nights worrying about being alone (like my mother) for the rest of my life. I'm sure many of you have shared this fear. Just when I thought no one else really cared about me, I started making friends, and for once in my life I did this on my own. I just went for it. Why should I be so afraid of people who seem to want to spend time with me? I found myself connecting with each of them, one by one. For some reason, friendships with other girls have never lasted too long in my life. So, they were all guys, all at least a year younger than me. In the beginning it was fun, I was one of them. To make a really, really, really long story short, every day I spent with them something changed my. Honestly at first I thought it was them that made me see life differently. Looking back on it, I know it was mostly myself, and what was in my head. They "made me" leave my house everyday, but I defeated my comfort zone. My "comfort" was a horrible thing. I would sit up late and long with a select few of these boys, talking about anything and everything. It was humanizing. I mean I have always wondered what goes on in other peoples' heads, but I actually discovered that there is truth to what may be on the outside reflects nothing close to what is inside. They all showed me the skeletons in their closets. Why me? Why did they come to me to talk about their struggles and feelings of defeat? Why would they do that when they knew I was so on edge and when I felt so lost. For some reason, we all were connected in some way. They were intrigued by my story, and was I, likewise.
Since school has started and the group has branched off in separate ways, I find myself leaning on the feeling of needing to be loved again. I find myself going back to the person that hates people in general, and just wants to stay home and be alone. For once in my life, I'm not just going to let myself go. Just by saying that to myself I know that the up's and down's of this summer has humbled me in extraordinary ways.
...Learning to live and let go.
Going out^