vastad

I've had a weird, good....but also really fucked up Friday.

An old friend said something to me that just made me hurt so badly inside, that seemed like such a violation of me. A knife twist in the heart like I never felt before. He said he couldn't be blamed for my reaction, he was simply a messenger of Truth. But I deeply and utterly felt what he told me was wrong. But I knew that he believed in what he said and I knew he would not be swayed by any arguments and that what he said was ultimately 'for my own good' no matter how much it hurt. That as a friend he could only tell me the truth. His final eMail to me basically said that I had issues if I reacted so strongly to a simple statement and then when I 'Grow Up' I can feel free to eMail him again.

And it all began with me feeling superstitious about talking about a special girl in my life. I don't want to talk too much about her because it feels like in the past...whenever I have talked...the more I talked, the more it never became anything at all. It's really flawed and fucked up logically, but emotionally...we're not necessarily logical. I didn't want to tell my old friend her name (Cassandra, an awesome name with lots of magick and history in it), where she was (Canada...how much farther from Sweden can you get?) and...well...other stuff. I tiptoed on the broken glass of past results. He told me that my superstition would destroy my hopes, that holding all that energy in would make it blow up and make my worst fears come true. And perhaps it's true I held alot in me. The pain when he said it was probably all that built up tension reacting as if what he said really came to pass.

In actual fact, I was seeking some white lies. The ones where you tell your friends that it's OK, even though it really might be very, very bad. But that's alright, because it's the support you want, not the Truth. There are many things we can't control or guarantee no matter how hard we worry, pray or whatever. But it helps to have word of kindness, a squeezing of the shoulders....a big hug. None of those things solve anything, but sure as the Sun is Bright, ease the tension inside.

But instead, he said I had screwed it up with my superstition. And it scared the shit out of me.

I honestly felt like he'd reached in - and the following are my words in my reactionary email - "...you'd reached in and taken control of my mouse of Life, clicked the right mouse button, opened a menu, clicked on 'Options' and changed the settings...that in the act of saying what you said, you made that fate concrete...".

Maybe I'm screwed up over my few but deep disappointments, but I was never going to fuck this up. If it isn't meant to be, it isn't because I exacerbated the situation or wanted it to fail. It just wasn't meant to be.

So the last eMail I sent him was an apology for my reaction, but a firm reaffirmation that what he said was not true and that this was something I felt deeply intuitively. Perhaps superstition or superstitious behaviour fucks other people up but to me, that isn't what it was doing and it's a respect for the forces out of my control and - honestly - a philosophical cushion for a fall if it is not meant to be. It's also a lot less embarassing when all your hopeful, supportive friends ask how things went and all you can say is 'nothing happened'. But I still haven't premeditated an outcome, nor dare I hope or think of one or the other. But I can still dream can't I?

Today was when he sent me that eMail to grow up and think about my issues. He asked that he be taken off my eMail list, but I had already done that. We have a lot of history, but, we have been growing apart for a long time anyway and this last exchange was my final realisation that I can't stand him anymore and that we are on two very different life paths. Or maybe he just makes me feel very very small inside and I hate it. I don't know. I just don't want it in my life.

Was this a mature decision? Or am I reactionary? Or am I really fucking stupid for being superstitious? Or have I missed an important lesson(s) here somewhere?

....you guys are sort of walking in on the tail end of a long story so it's cool if you make assumptions or conclusions because you really are receiving just my side of the story. My ex-friend might actually be right, but I frankly can't see that at all...

***************************************************
It was a good day because all day long, I kept getting little hints, nudges and winks from the world around me that I really had nothing to worry about, and that my ex-friend was wrong.

My friendship with Cassandra grows stronger still, though with our lives so far apart, it is far more likely we will only ever get to be friends and get involved with a much more local person respectively. I don't expect or hope for too much, but I do daydream of her and they are always good, happy daydreams. And when she tells me I'm beautiful, I can fly. When I can make her laugh, the world is all right and a Sun shines in my heart. All I want to do is give give give. No matter how much I give, I still have more to give and I never get empty. I'd say that's one of the best signs possible about a beautiful friendship, don't you?l






Not just for Some,
Love for Everyone,
vastad