Bad vastad BAD!
Uh-oh...been a tardy student. I missed a deadline for my programming coursework, so that's an automatic 10% off from the final mark for that.
It was totally my fault. I procrastinated, I let various commitments build up together. I couldn't make it in time. I didn't understand anything I was doing. I decided it was worth losing the 10% in order to make something I was truly happy with. Something which I understood how it worked.
I was chewing my nails off, digesting my own stomach, about an exam we just had for Maths, Electronics and Statistics and not getting my coursework done in time.
Maths involved Matrix Inversion, Multiplication and applying the Gaussian Elimination method to solve simultaneous equations; Differentiation involving the Sum Rule, Product Rule and Quotient Rule; Partial Fractions - which is a bitch;
Electronics: Applying Ohm's Law, Superposition and Potential Divider concepts.
Statitics: Binomial Distribution. Just sounds scary. Not really a problem.
In the end...it wasn't a scary exam at all. I did fine. I know it.
***
It was interesting to reflect on my thoughts at the worst of the anxiety. At my lowest low - bear in mind I swung all the way down and back up to 'normal' in a matter of hours - I considered suicide. Really, I did. Failure at this stage of my life is so not an option I don't think I could live with myself if I failed to learn some self-discipline...I mean....I can't afford to fuck up anymore.
But my suicide fantasies have changed. I now survive them with hideous deformities. I used to make them very well planned out so that the outcome was certain, but my body would not be found. I would leave only what I had touched or used.
But regardless of form....it is a coward's way out. I doubt anyone would feel sorry for me. There would only be anger, disgust, disappointment.
It was interesting to note that my sister didn't know until we talked during our X'mas holiday that I had considered suicide on and off since I was 16. That's 10 years of offing myself in grandiose acts of pathetic self-pity. Pretty sad isn't it?
***
Good news: Have gotten myself on the call-back list of Junction11, the University radio station. They are interested in a presenter. Also up for grabs is a music reviewer position where you get free tickets to performances. Ironic when I haven't found any time to write for FoxyDigitalis.
Also, 2 Ten Radio...who have several radio stations around the UK, want me to send them a demo of my kind of music and me doing mock presenting like, presenting the weather, or introducing the next song or something. This is a potential summer job. Not IT....but....who knows?
***
Resolution: Less fucking around from now on. This weekend will be spent catching up on everything, and building from scratch my programming coursework.
***
I need love. Valentine's Day is coming.
Uh-oh...been a tardy student. I missed a deadline for my programming coursework, so that's an automatic 10% off from the final mark for that.
It was totally my fault. I procrastinated, I let various commitments build up together. I couldn't make it in time. I didn't understand anything I was doing. I decided it was worth losing the 10% in order to make something I was truly happy with. Something which I understood how it worked.
I was chewing my nails off, digesting my own stomach, about an exam we just had for Maths, Electronics and Statistics and not getting my coursework done in time.
Maths involved Matrix Inversion, Multiplication and applying the Gaussian Elimination method to solve simultaneous equations; Differentiation involving the Sum Rule, Product Rule and Quotient Rule; Partial Fractions - which is a bitch;
Electronics: Applying Ohm's Law, Superposition and Potential Divider concepts.
Statitics: Binomial Distribution. Just sounds scary. Not really a problem.
In the end...it wasn't a scary exam at all. I did fine. I know it.
***
It was interesting to reflect on my thoughts at the worst of the anxiety. At my lowest low - bear in mind I swung all the way down and back up to 'normal' in a matter of hours - I considered suicide. Really, I did. Failure at this stage of my life is so not an option I don't think I could live with myself if I failed to learn some self-discipline...I mean....I can't afford to fuck up anymore.
But my suicide fantasies have changed. I now survive them with hideous deformities. I used to make them very well planned out so that the outcome was certain, but my body would not be found. I would leave only what I had touched or used.
But regardless of form....it is a coward's way out. I doubt anyone would feel sorry for me. There would only be anger, disgust, disappointment.
It was interesting to note that my sister didn't know until we talked during our X'mas holiday that I had considered suicide on and off since I was 16. That's 10 years of offing myself in grandiose acts of pathetic self-pity. Pretty sad isn't it?
***
Good news: Have gotten myself on the call-back list of Junction11, the University radio station. They are interested in a presenter. Also up for grabs is a music reviewer position where you get free tickets to performances. Ironic when I haven't found any time to write for FoxyDigitalis.
Also, 2 Ten Radio...who have several radio stations around the UK, want me to send them a demo of my kind of music and me doing mock presenting like, presenting the weather, or introducing the next song or something. This is a potential summer job. Not IT....but....who knows?
***
Resolution: Less fucking around from now on. This weekend will be spent catching up on everything, and building from scratch my programming coursework.
***
I need love. Valentine's Day is coming.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
vastad:
I did. It's 80% finished in half the time it took before. 
Only a few things left...
Only a few things left...
vastad:
Correction....got about 5 different courseworks due in the end of this next week. No free fun time for me...