Last night I saw you, In a dream.
It was one of those vivid, shaking dreams... the sort that leaves you a little broken.
Now, my heart hurts. I wish I had one to turn to, to be held or told the truth about my heart...
But I've locked myself in this stone tower. And I hide here undesired.
Still, I give myself these dreams....
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It was one of those vivid, shaking dreams... the sort that leaves you a little broken.
Now, my heart hurts. I wish I had one to turn to, to be held or told the truth about my heart...
But I've locked myself in this stone tower. And I hide here undesired.
Still, I give myself these dreams....
Read More
cureelise:
hey sweetie just tried calling u . wanted to see how things are . I've been thinking about u and u were in my dream last night. it was nice we were chillin out at my pad watching movies. i would tell u what movie but they kept changing. germ was rollin us one while I made us some popcorn. then we got high and had fun chillin with eachother. talking about whatever came to mind . I do remember me talking about a big bunny. I think i have easter on my mind or something
When I need you, You turn your back.
What a pattern of behavior... and I am called weak.
Here is why noone hears from me, here is why I hide now.
This is such an empty way to live.
I feel so condemned, broken.
I need a connection, I am alone.
I'm fighting; for sobriety, for sanity, for a reason...
and it is a fight...
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What a pattern of behavior... and I am called weak.
Here is why noone hears from me, here is why I hide now.
This is such an empty way to live.
I feel so condemned, broken.
I need a connection, I am alone.
I'm fighting; for sobriety, for sanity, for a reason...
and it is a fight...
Read More
cureelise:
hey sweety i miss u , could really use one of our talks. found out that my dad has two lumps in his leg today that need to be checked out soon. we are all praying that's they aren't cancerous 
also wanted to talk to u about some other shit thats going on since u see to be one of those who i open up too and can figure out my basket case of a head. 
I hope u don't feel like i've been turning my back on u. if it seems like i have i'm sowwy. i wouldn't want u to feel like that . u mean a lot to me as a friend . u are one that has been where i have and we have an understanding when it comes to that.
also wanted to talk to u about some other shit thats going on since u see to be one of those who i open up too and can figure out my basket case of a head. I hope u don't feel like i've been turning my back on u. if it seems like i have i'm sowwy. i wouldn't want u to feel like that . u mean a lot to me as a friend . u are one that has been where i have and we have an understanding when it comes to that. I want Marla Singer to be real.
germ13:
Me too, she's a dirty bitch 
cureelise:
I miss u 
[Edited on Mar 16, 2005 10:32PM]
[Edited on Mar 16, 2005 10:32PM]
My God.
I was just going through old snapshot archives... stored on my computer. I found DOZENS of photos of me in a quite precarious situation, with these two girls I used to be close to...
Jesus.. Its sick, but I can't remember the night at all.. not for the life of me. I TRULY speant over a year of my life in a deranged...
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I was just going through old snapshot archives... stored on my computer. I found DOZENS of photos of me in a quite precarious situation, with these two girls I used to be close to...
Jesus.. Its sick, but I can't remember the night at all.. not for the life of me. I TRULY speant over a year of my life in a deranged...
Read More
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
cureelise:
It was nice chatting with u. thanks for keeping my mind off of my car. and for the hair advice. your journal is sounding a bit more on the upside. I really hope things are starting to turn around for u and get better.
and for the hair advice. your journal is sounding a bit more on the upside. I really hope things are starting to turn around for u and get better. 
allycat_13:
Love the photography. Theres something about black and white photos that gets me everytime. Color can be beautiful, but black and white show contrast more. Shadows and light are zeroed in more also. Good stuff!
Letter to a concerned friend, a response..
M**,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond.
Ive been in some legal trouble, forgive me.
Yes, addiction is a bitch.
And there is alot to be said for moderated indulgence. I agree with your position.
Despite my struggle to stay away from smack, I still enjoy the occasional foray into other substances....
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M**,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond.
Ive been in some legal trouble, forgive me.
Yes, addiction is a bitch.
And there is alot to be said for moderated indulgence. I agree with your position.
Despite my struggle to stay away from smack, I still enjoy the occasional foray into other substances....
Read More
My Grandmother has died.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
saturn1:
sorry about your grandmother
and you have my number
and you have my number
germ13:
Aw man *hug*
Hateful? Maybe.
I am confused beyond my psychological ability to reason.
That is the actual problem.
My life since Ive detoxed is a disgusting, fragmented nightmare.
It's weak to admit, and i don't care. But Im broken without heroin.
Everything i feel is jaded or empty.
I am constantly living with an over-consuming hunger that has no satisfaction.
There isnt anyway for you to ever...
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I am confused beyond my psychological ability to reason.
That is the actual problem.
My life since Ive detoxed is a disgusting, fragmented nightmare.
It's weak to admit, and i don't care. But Im broken without heroin.
Everything i feel is jaded or empty.
I am constantly living with an over-consuming hunger that has no satisfaction.
There isnt anyway for you to ever...
Read More
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
lunna:
that is all for now
that is all for now
lunna:
well I could say more but I might embarass myself in doing so. Yeah my account ran out today but nothing quick typing couldn't update. 
You've walked on.. thats not going to change.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
I fight and fall to the same devices time and again,
just like you.
It's just that my methods are darker than yours.
Still I hurt some and I can't make it,
and Im pulled back into this shit.
Im looking over myself now.
Im a child.
Im not bigger...
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I don't know what I'm waiting for.
I fight and fall to the same devices time and again,
just like you.
It's just that my methods are darker than yours.
Still I hurt some and I can't make it,
and Im pulled back into this shit.
Im looking over myself now.
Im a child.
Im not bigger...
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laputa64:
totally understandable and completely forgivable. *smile*
Hi, back at ya!
xoxo
Hi, back at ya!
xoxo
My God. Your getting to me.
Its bad enough that Im depressed beyond recovery...
but this is just pitiful.
Ive tried so hard.. as a part of my recovery, my revival, to reach you. Ive written, ive talked, Ive cried.... and nothing.
I could be crying to myself. no difference.
this is shameful. this is disgusting.
I reach out, i need to feel some reflection....
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Its bad enough that Im depressed beyond recovery...
but this is just pitiful.
Ive tried so hard.. as a part of my recovery, my revival, to reach you. Ive written, ive talked, Ive cried.... and nothing.
I could be crying to myself. no difference.
this is shameful. this is disgusting.
I reach out, i need to feel some reflection....
Read More
germ13:
You'd turn on me but I'm strong enough to take it and will make you better. I've made people in a worse state than you better and I will not give up on you.
cureelise:
you ignore me, you spite me, you move your pompous little ass across the country and close your eyes.
Today I find myself wishing you wont call.
Hoping not to see you or think of you... tired of aching.
Today, I find that I dont care how you are doing.
I don't care if Ive ever hurt you.
Maybe I will hate myself for this... Im becoming cold and complacent and empty. Just like you are
I like that. It shows me that the bitch inside of u is starting to come out. there was something really deep that i wanted to tell u . but for some reason i'm at a loss of words and it's pissing me off . i really want to pull u in and help , but how can i when i can't even tell u what i wanted to.
all that is coming to my head is what my friend kalib and i use to do when he was going through his recovery . he would get really depressed and pissed at times cause everyone turned their backs on him when he was detoxing. he an i would fill up the tub and drink a bottle of wine or some tea while we sat there pouring out our feeling using lyrics , poems or just whatever would come to our mind. it actually helped and it's kinda making me wish that i could be sitting in a tub doing this with u . it might help me get out what i was trying to tell u .
we need to figure out a way to hang out soon .
[Edited on Feb 08, 2005 3:38PM]
Today I find myself wishing you wont call.
Hoping not to see you or think of you... tired of aching.
Today, I find that I dont care how you are doing.
I don't care if Ive ever hurt you.
Maybe I will hate myself for this... Im becoming cold and complacent and empty. Just like you are
I like that. It shows me that the bitch inside of u is starting to come out. there was something really deep that i wanted to tell u . but for some reason i'm at a loss of words and it's pissing me off . i really want to pull u in and help , but how can i when i can't even tell u what i wanted to.
all that is coming to my head is what my friend kalib and i use to do when he was going through his recovery . he would get really depressed and pissed at times cause everyone turned their backs on him when he was detoxing. he an i would fill up the tub and drink a bottle of wine or some tea while we sat there pouring out our feeling using lyrics , poems or just whatever would come to our mind. it actually helped and it's kinda making me wish that i could be sitting in a tub doing this with u . it might help me get out what i was trying to tell u .
we need to figure out a way to hang out soon .
[Edited on Feb 08, 2005 3:38PM]
So.. If I just shit all over you, Ill get swooned over too?
nifty.
people make me sad, all the time.
nifty.
people make me sad, all the time.