Looking through old photo's and this is too funny not to share! The 17 year old me was such a classy bird! ^.~
So it's that time of year again, when we all focus on improving ourselves, and making more of an effort to achieve the things we were too lazy to do last year! ^.~
I have no desire to be a 'new me' i'd be happy to get back to the 'old me'. After battling the general onslaught of shit that life tends to enjoy throwing at us, i seemed to have ended up losing certain qualities of mine that generally made me happier, and of course i acquired new traits to fill the gaps. Traits that i'm not too keen on, like the fact i'm far too concerning over how my actions affect others. Don't get me wrong it's always a good idea to be mindful of others but mine is in such a way it's harmful to me. It's holds me back because i'm always thinking, what if that upsets, annoys, angers and basically makes them react negatively. This is just from conditioning, as i use to always have my actions twisted and altered in a negative way and then made to be held accountable for them. For things i basically never did or said but was told this so often and for so long i started to lose trust in myself. So inevitably it made me over conscientious of what i say and do, encase it could be taken out of contexts and cause a negative effect.
But then we have the other extreme that i was like before i adopted this way of thinking, i use to give 0 fucks of what people thought of me and if they were offended by what i said, well that just wasn't my problem. and although i don't want to go back fully to thinking that way i do want to.. well basically, care less.
I just want to be me without being so worried about how people will react and as long as i'm not deliberately harmful, I want to be able to do and say as i please. So thats my main goal this year, one of many , but without focusing on altering this way of thinking i'll continue to hold myself back. After all... Your change your thoughts, you change your world.
And an update on my job situation for those who have read my previous posts! So yesterday i got offered a job in a retail store, nothing fancy, the pay is crap and the hours aren't great buttttttttt I wont be doing 12+ hour days, I will get paid for what i work, the hours are part time so i have the time i need to focus on my goals, it's indoors! so no more being ill 90% of the time, andddd most of all i think it'll make me happier! worst case i try it, it doesn't work out and then i can go back to my old job because they're always desperate for staff! ^.~ ahahah! so nothing to lose really. although i am done with knocking doors, i'm so done i don't even wanna complain about it level of done!
and as for all my other goals, i would much rather my actions speak for themselves.
Hope this year has been good to you so far! ^.~
