"When things go wrong I sing along
It is the nature of the business
But you're not here to make my sad songs more sincere
No one will ever love you honestly
No one will ever love you for your honesty"
- Magnetic Fields "No One Will Ever Love You"
Ups & Downs
Yesterday I was remembering my first week in Asheville. I was 17, soul scarred and chafed from two years of passionate self-destruction that I was running away. I'd hitchhiked a few hundred miles trying to make it to Virginia where holierthancow lived, but I stopped in with my old man in North Carolina and rested a while. He had a housemate named Neva, a thirty-eight year old woman with a 13 year old son. Dad was really into her but she wasn't interested, as they had nothing in common.
Neva and I had a lot in common, though. Our taste in music. Our taste in books. The part I remember though, was being tired. The household was relaxing in the livingroom and I just leaned over and put my head in Neva's lap and half dozed off. I remember the way she tenderly stroked my hair. That simple affection that was so alien to me. I think that was the first time in my tumultuous life to that point that I knew peace, just laying there half awake, being petted. It would be about a week later that Neva and I would start scrogging like rabbits shot up with highly concentrated MDMA, but that simple bit of gentle affection was what brought a little hope and light to someone who'd spent most of his life in darkness.
I spent most of yesterday just talking to Brenda either on the phone or online. I'm so glad she got a cam because we've had so much fun being able to see each other. It makes the long distance thing much, much easier to deal when I can watch her laugh at my inanity. The only problem is I never want to stop, though I did manage to break away at the semi-reasonable hour of three in the morning last night.
On the flip side, I'm thinking a lot about Daniel C lately. Tomorrow will mark the anniversary of his death. I miss him so much. Ocean and I were talking about getting together for a toast to his memory tomorrow to mark the occasion.
Mitch left today, so that's one less person in our house. I feel kind of bad for practically shoving her out the door, but I've been having to work up a real mad on to keep my sense of compassion from holding me back from putting my foot down about them getting out. Some guy picked her up, so obviously she'll have somewhere to stay. I hope he's not too much of a creep.
I'm going to let Dan stay one more night since Ocean said he was going to help him find a place to stay tomorrow. Since a huge part of the stress of having Dan and Mitch here was the friction between them I don't mind Dan sticking around a wee bit longer.
I just found out that before he skipped town Brian pawned the digital camera I'd loaned to Ocean so he could take pics of the his and Stitch's new baby. Ocean tried to tell me that Brian took it with him to offload the pics on his computer in Asheville, but I knew that was bull because it makes no sense to take a camera two states away to get the pics off when I live ten minutes away. So, Ocean cracked and told me the truth that Brian pawned it before he left, saying he'd get it out when he got back after getting his state check. Except now it looks like Brian's not coming back, and I'm royally pissed off. Ocean, who is barely getting by as it is, promised to get it out for me tomorrow since it was in his care.
I'm sure at the time Brian really intended to get it back out when he got his check...I'm sure he didn't figure on me ever finding out. That he'd just use it for some quick cash to keep him in cigarettes until his check. I'm sure he justified it with the fact that I was going to sell it to him anyway...which I was only going to do because I'm really hard up for money right now. Whatever the reasoning, though, it's just fucking wrong to do something like that behind my back and doubly wrong not to come back and set things right.
It is the nature of the business
But you're not here to make my sad songs more sincere
No one will ever love you honestly
No one will ever love you for your honesty"
- Magnetic Fields "No One Will Ever Love You"
Ups & Downs
Yesterday I was remembering my first week in Asheville. I was 17, soul scarred and chafed from two years of passionate self-destruction that I was running away. I'd hitchhiked a few hundred miles trying to make it to Virginia where holierthancow lived, but I stopped in with my old man in North Carolina and rested a while. He had a housemate named Neva, a thirty-eight year old woman with a 13 year old son. Dad was really into her but she wasn't interested, as they had nothing in common.
Neva and I had a lot in common, though. Our taste in music. Our taste in books. The part I remember though, was being tired. The household was relaxing in the livingroom and I just leaned over and put my head in Neva's lap and half dozed off. I remember the way she tenderly stroked my hair. That simple affection that was so alien to me. I think that was the first time in my tumultuous life to that point that I knew peace, just laying there half awake, being petted. It would be about a week later that Neva and I would start scrogging like rabbits shot up with highly concentrated MDMA, but that simple bit of gentle affection was what brought a little hope and light to someone who'd spent most of his life in darkness.
I spent most of yesterday just talking to Brenda either on the phone or online. I'm so glad she got a cam because we've had so much fun being able to see each other. It makes the long distance thing much, much easier to deal when I can watch her laugh at my inanity. The only problem is I never want to stop, though I did manage to break away at the semi-reasonable hour of three in the morning last night.
On the flip side, I'm thinking a lot about Daniel C lately. Tomorrow will mark the anniversary of his death. I miss him so much. Ocean and I were talking about getting together for a toast to his memory tomorrow to mark the occasion.
Mitch left today, so that's one less person in our house. I feel kind of bad for practically shoving her out the door, but I've been having to work up a real mad on to keep my sense of compassion from holding me back from putting my foot down about them getting out. Some guy picked her up, so obviously she'll have somewhere to stay. I hope he's not too much of a creep.
I'm going to let Dan stay one more night since Ocean said he was going to help him find a place to stay tomorrow. Since a huge part of the stress of having Dan and Mitch here was the friction between them I don't mind Dan sticking around a wee bit longer.
I just found out that before he skipped town Brian pawned the digital camera I'd loaned to Ocean so he could take pics of the his and Stitch's new baby. Ocean tried to tell me that Brian took it with him to offload the pics on his computer in Asheville, but I knew that was bull because it makes no sense to take a camera two states away to get the pics off when I live ten minutes away. So, Ocean cracked and told me the truth that Brian pawned it before he left, saying he'd get it out when he got back after getting his state check. Except now it looks like Brian's not coming back, and I'm royally pissed off. Ocean, who is barely getting by as it is, promised to get it out for me tomorrow since it was in his care.
I'm sure at the time Brian really intended to get it back out when he got his check...I'm sure he didn't figure on me ever finding out. That he'd just use it for some quick cash to keep him in cigarettes until his check. I'm sure he justified it with the fact that I was going to sell it to him anyway...which I was only going to do because I'm really hard up for money right now. Whatever the reasoning, though, it's just fucking wrong to do something like that behind my back and doubly wrong not to come back and set things right.