Post-Birthday Blues
Onie and Kid_fusion just left. They'd been hanging out since the party, so this is the first time I've been alone since I woke up Saturday morning. We spent yesterday eating pizza and watching movies while Ethan romped with Rachael's old baby toys. It was nice having the company.
I actually got some presents for my birthday this year. In addition to the alcohol brought to the party and just the fact that people came to my party, I got $10, a $50 Barnes & Noble gift card and a book titled "100 Great Wonders of the World". Given that I usually get nothing except for what I buy for myself, I consider that quite a haul.
So I had a great party and got some nice gifts. So why am I feeling bummed out? I guess because I don't have anything to look forward to now. It was wonderful being able to be so intimate with so many people, as I've not been able to since moving to Atlanta. Some of my dreams were made reality, if only for a few moments. Now it's back to mundane life where I'm not really close to anyone except Wyspurr and I hardly see her lately thanks to our schedules. I won't even get to see Little Kendra, the only person I know I can be that close to on a personal level and not just a group hedonism level, again for at least two weeks and probably longer. I never did get a chance to really talk to her thanks to the whole Patrick drama. I never really got a chance to talk much with anyone because I was dealing with that and then was too emotionally spent to be around people. The winding down part of the party is the best time to really strengthen new connections and I wasn't able to share in that, and that kind of depresses me. There's a lot I would have liked to have said to certain people and now the only time I could have said them without feeling awkward and self-conscious has passed.
Another thing bringing me down was watching the video and hating how I look and sound. My body has become grotesque and I loathe the sound of my own voice. I sound like a mentally handicapped cow speaking English.
So, it was a night of heavenly bliss for which I am very grateful for, but now that it's over I'm left wanting. Granted, I've been desperately wanting for months and I am more sated than I've been in a long time, but now there's nothing just over the horizon to keep my eye towards and distract me from the things I feel like are missing from my life. A girlfriend and a circle of close friends that I actually get to see more than every other month or so. I miss cuddlepiles being a part of my normal lifestyle, not just a rare treat. I miss having people that I get enough quality time with to really get to know them. There were people at the party that I really wanted to get closer to, and while I greatly appreciate what I was able to share with them physically, I'd have liked to have shared more in non-physical ways as well. Maybe it's just the free lovin' hippy in me that thinks that sharing minds and spirits is even better than sharing bodies, though sharing all at once is the purist bliss on earth in my opinion. I've done a lot of drugs in my life but even the best highs couldn't even touch that feeling. Maybe that's why I act like such an addict sometimes.
I feel good. Don't get me wrong. I feel much better now than I did before the party. I'm just coming down off the best feelings I've had in a long time so the contrast is cutting. Everything is relative. It's why most people can't handle being as passionate about life, love, and friendship as I am. The greater heights one reaches, the farther one can fall.
Onie and Kid_fusion just left. They'd been hanging out since the party, so this is the first time I've been alone since I woke up Saturday morning. We spent yesterday eating pizza and watching movies while Ethan romped with Rachael's old baby toys. It was nice having the company.
I actually got some presents for my birthday this year. In addition to the alcohol brought to the party and just the fact that people came to my party, I got $10, a $50 Barnes & Noble gift card and a book titled "100 Great Wonders of the World". Given that I usually get nothing except for what I buy for myself, I consider that quite a haul.
So I had a great party and got some nice gifts. So why am I feeling bummed out? I guess because I don't have anything to look forward to now. It was wonderful being able to be so intimate with so many people, as I've not been able to since moving to Atlanta. Some of my dreams were made reality, if only for a few moments. Now it's back to mundane life where I'm not really close to anyone except Wyspurr and I hardly see her lately thanks to our schedules. I won't even get to see Little Kendra, the only person I know I can be that close to on a personal level and not just a group hedonism level, again for at least two weeks and probably longer. I never did get a chance to really talk to her thanks to the whole Patrick drama. I never really got a chance to talk much with anyone because I was dealing with that and then was too emotionally spent to be around people. The winding down part of the party is the best time to really strengthen new connections and I wasn't able to share in that, and that kind of depresses me. There's a lot I would have liked to have said to certain people and now the only time I could have said them without feeling awkward and self-conscious has passed.
Another thing bringing me down was watching the video and hating how I look and sound. My body has become grotesque and I loathe the sound of my own voice. I sound like a mentally handicapped cow speaking English.
So, it was a night of heavenly bliss for which I am very grateful for, but now that it's over I'm left wanting. Granted, I've been desperately wanting for months and I am more sated than I've been in a long time, but now there's nothing just over the horizon to keep my eye towards and distract me from the things I feel like are missing from my life. A girlfriend and a circle of close friends that I actually get to see more than every other month or so. I miss cuddlepiles being a part of my normal lifestyle, not just a rare treat. I miss having people that I get enough quality time with to really get to know them. There were people at the party that I really wanted to get closer to, and while I greatly appreciate what I was able to share with them physically, I'd have liked to have shared more in non-physical ways as well. Maybe it's just the free lovin' hippy in me that thinks that sharing minds and spirits is even better than sharing bodies, though sharing all at once is the purist bliss on earth in my opinion. I've done a lot of drugs in my life but even the best highs couldn't even touch that feeling. Maybe that's why I act like such an addict sometimes.
I feel good. Don't get me wrong. I feel much better now than I did before the party. I'm just coming down off the best feelings I've had in a long time so the contrast is cutting. Everything is relative. It's why most people can't handle being as passionate about life, love, and friendship as I am. The greater heights one reaches, the farther one can fall.