Life Ain't Easy
Wyspurr seems hellbent on pushing me over the edge in a nervous breakdown. This morning she woke me up by calling to tell me that she put in her notice at Einstein Bros. This only bothered me a little, as I assumed she meant a two week notice and I have a good deal of confidence in her ability to find another job of equal pay within two weeks. Then she tells me that this coming Sunday will be her last day, and I have to bite my lip not to lose it.
When I met Wyspurr I was upfront about two things. I am not a monogamous person. I am not a financially stable person. I have an anxiety disorder which makes certain things in life very difficult for me. Unlike Ocean, who collects a check from the government for not being mentally stable enough to work, I try hard to overcome my limitations and be a contributing member of society. I can not, however, be counted on to not severely fuck things up at any moment, nor can I be counted on to find a new job quickly should I fuck up the one I have.
Taking this job at the Dark Horse was a huge, huge step for me. Even the act of applying for a job is enough to make my anxiety bells ring like crazy. I don't think I have words to explain how difficult it was for me. I still have a mild anxiety attack every time I start getting ready for work and shit like what Dark Dan pulled Wednesday does not help at all. It also doesn't help that Dark Rob, my boss, made emphasis on the point of being judged on this week as to whether or not they'd keep me. So huge amounts of pressure and anxiety are weighing on me and I've been rather proud of myself that I haven't had any panic attacks. I've just been gritting my teeth and digging in my heels and trudging on against the cacophony of maddening voice screaming at my brain.
Telling me that in three days my family is going to be solely dependant on my income from a job that I'm only two days into training for and it is by far not a lock as to whether they're going to keep me or even if I'll be able to handle it when it comes time for me to run the kitchen alone is like taking a baseball bat to what little anchor of sanity I have for myself in all these drastic life changes that are happening to me. It took a huge force of self-control to not come completely unravelled...so much so that I was barely able to speak or communicate. She got the idea, though, and reluctantly agreed not to quit until I had a better idea about where things were going at the Dark Horse.
She was obviously very unhappy with it, though. Ever since I started working at Dark Horse Wyspurr has been bitchy and miserable. She's used to always having me around...now she hardly ever sees me. She's used to being able to say she needs a nap, and me watching the kids while she napped. She's used to me staying up with Rachael when she needs to go to bed to get some sleep before work and Rachael is being uncooperative about bedtime. She's used to having me around to hold her whenever she needs some comfort and affection. I wouldn't say she's come to take me for granted, but I don't think she realized just how much difference having me around made as far as making life run more smoothly and comfortably for her. I'm not around anymore. We're barely managing to have sex once a day. I hardly see my kids anymore and they're not happy about that, nor are they terribly pleased with spending more time with mommy but with mommy being short-tempered and grumpy all the time.
Hopefully, this is just an adjustment phase. I really like this job. I love it. I really want to make this work and if I can just hold out a couple of weeks and get settled in most of the anxiety problems will evaporate. I really want to do this. I feel a lot happier about myself doing this. On the other hand, I'm not happy about my family in turmoil and I will drop this job like a hot potato if keeping it means that my family has to suffer. They come first to me, no matter what.
On a happier note, Wyspurr and I went to the Rollergirl Benefit at The Earl last night. It was actually pretty cool, though the ungodly high volume feedback from the bands playing was sonic torture. I had fun hanging out, taking pictures, and watching hot girls spank and be spanked. It was certainly an evening of both sexy and amusing sights. Too bad I couldn't hear a damned thing.
Also, I've decided the birthday party will go on. I think more people than I realized are actually looking forward to it. It looks like it will be at Onie's place, unless TheOcean objects. It will be awesome. Mad, mad awesome. I just know it.
Wyspurr seems hellbent on pushing me over the edge in a nervous breakdown. This morning she woke me up by calling to tell me that she put in her notice at Einstein Bros. This only bothered me a little, as I assumed she meant a two week notice and I have a good deal of confidence in her ability to find another job of equal pay within two weeks. Then she tells me that this coming Sunday will be her last day, and I have to bite my lip not to lose it.
When I met Wyspurr I was upfront about two things. I am not a monogamous person. I am not a financially stable person. I have an anxiety disorder which makes certain things in life very difficult for me. Unlike Ocean, who collects a check from the government for not being mentally stable enough to work, I try hard to overcome my limitations and be a contributing member of society. I can not, however, be counted on to not severely fuck things up at any moment, nor can I be counted on to find a new job quickly should I fuck up the one I have.
Taking this job at the Dark Horse was a huge, huge step for me. Even the act of applying for a job is enough to make my anxiety bells ring like crazy. I don't think I have words to explain how difficult it was for me. I still have a mild anxiety attack every time I start getting ready for work and shit like what Dark Dan pulled Wednesday does not help at all. It also doesn't help that Dark Rob, my boss, made emphasis on the point of being judged on this week as to whether or not they'd keep me. So huge amounts of pressure and anxiety are weighing on me and I've been rather proud of myself that I haven't had any panic attacks. I've just been gritting my teeth and digging in my heels and trudging on against the cacophony of maddening voice screaming at my brain.
Telling me that in three days my family is going to be solely dependant on my income from a job that I'm only two days into training for and it is by far not a lock as to whether they're going to keep me or even if I'll be able to handle it when it comes time for me to run the kitchen alone is like taking a baseball bat to what little anchor of sanity I have for myself in all these drastic life changes that are happening to me. It took a huge force of self-control to not come completely unravelled...so much so that I was barely able to speak or communicate. She got the idea, though, and reluctantly agreed not to quit until I had a better idea about where things were going at the Dark Horse.
She was obviously very unhappy with it, though. Ever since I started working at Dark Horse Wyspurr has been bitchy and miserable. She's used to always having me around...now she hardly ever sees me. She's used to being able to say she needs a nap, and me watching the kids while she napped. She's used to me staying up with Rachael when she needs to go to bed to get some sleep before work and Rachael is being uncooperative about bedtime. She's used to having me around to hold her whenever she needs some comfort and affection. I wouldn't say she's come to take me for granted, but I don't think she realized just how much difference having me around made as far as making life run more smoothly and comfortably for her. I'm not around anymore. We're barely managing to have sex once a day. I hardly see my kids anymore and they're not happy about that, nor are they terribly pleased with spending more time with mommy but with mommy being short-tempered and grumpy all the time.
Hopefully, this is just an adjustment phase. I really like this job. I love it. I really want to make this work and if I can just hold out a couple of weeks and get settled in most of the anxiety problems will evaporate. I really want to do this. I feel a lot happier about myself doing this. On the other hand, I'm not happy about my family in turmoil and I will drop this job like a hot potato if keeping it means that my family has to suffer. They come first to me, no matter what.
On a happier note, Wyspurr and I went to the Rollergirl Benefit at The Earl last night. It was actually pretty cool, though the ungodly high volume feedback from the bands playing was sonic torture. I had fun hanging out, taking pictures, and watching hot girls spank and be spanked. It was certainly an evening of both sexy and amusing sights. Too bad I couldn't hear a damned thing.
Also, I've decided the birthday party will go on. I think more people than I realized are actually looking forward to it. It looks like it will be at Onie's place, unless TheOcean objects. It will be awesome. Mad, mad awesome. I just know it.