Finding Focus, Day 11: Legacy
Going to eighties night at The Masquerade always evokes contemplation. Tonight wasn't a very good night for socializing, unlike last week's, so there wasn't much I could do besides sit and reflect. Usually at eighties night I have fun for an hour or so before getting bored and starting to think too much there wasn't any fun for me tonight.
Strangely, though, it took being forced to spend some time with myself without being able to do anything else to make me remember that for all my regrets I haven't done so bad. Almost all of my significant problems are monetary. I've come out on top of most of my other problems. It even occurred to me just how incredibly far I've come since moving to Atlanta. I know that I'm about to turn thirty and I'm feeling old and past my prime but it's important for me to recognize that while I may have spun my wheels for almost a decade in Asheville, I've come a long way in just a couple of years in Atlanta. I'm a far better man than I was when I left Asheville and I've still got time to make something of that.
I need to stop thinking about how if I died tomorrow I'll leave nothing behind of significance besides my children, which as awesome as they are didn't require a great deal of effort to make on my part. Maybe I'm weird but most of the time I get depressed it's because I feel like I'm never going to do anything to make them proud of me the way I've always been proud of my mother. I just want to believe that after I die I'll be more than a faded photograph to my grandchildren. It's a harder thing to express than when I'm bummed out because I don't know how to woo a woman who makes my heart flutter. Most people understand that but I don't it's as common these days to long to make a mark on the world that will last long after I'm no longer around to enjoy it. I don't want to be world famous. I just want to make enough of an impact that my descendants will be interested in who I was. Maybe try to contact me with a Ouija board. It sounds kind of stupid when I talk about it but its my main source of ambition and frustration. I've cried myself to sleep with the thought that when my children are old enough to no longer see me through the eyes of a child all they'll see is a loser when they look at me. Someone to be ashamed of.
I need to get to bed. I have to be up for work in a few hours and my throat is starting to feel scratchy.
Going to eighties night at The Masquerade always evokes contemplation. Tonight wasn't a very good night for socializing, unlike last week's, so there wasn't much I could do besides sit and reflect. Usually at eighties night I have fun for an hour or so before getting bored and starting to think too much there wasn't any fun for me tonight.
Strangely, though, it took being forced to spend some time with myself without being able to do anything else to make me remember that for all my regrets I haven't done so bad. Almost all of my significant problems are monetary. I've come out on top of most of my other problems. It even occurred to me just how incredibly far I've come since moving to Atlanta. I know that I'm about to turn thirty and I'm feeling old and past my prime but it's important for me to recognize that while I may have spun my wheels for almost a decade in Asheville, I've come a long way in just a couple of years in Atlanta. I'm a far better man than I was when I left Asheville and I've still got time to make something of that.
I need to stop thinking about how if I died tomorrow I'll leave nothing behind of significance besides my children, which as awesome as they are didn't require a great deal of effort to make on my part. Maybe I'm weird but most of the time I get depressed it's because I feel like I'm never going to do anything to make them proud of me the way I've always been proud of my mother. I just want to believe that after I die I'll be more than a faded photograph to my grandchildren. It's a harder thing to express than when I'm bummed out because I don't know how to woo a woman who makes my heart flutter. Most people understand that but I don't it's as common these days to long to make a mark on the world that will last long after I'm no longer around to enjoy it. I don't want to be world famous. I just want to make enough of an impact that my descendants will be interested in who I was. Maybe try to contact me with a Ouija board. It sounds kind of stupid when I talk about it but its my main source of ambition and frustration. I've cried myself to sleep with the thought that when my children are old enough to no longer see me through the eyes of a child all they'll see is a loser when they look at me. Someone to be ashamed of.
I need to get to bed. I have to be up for work in a few hours and my throat is starting to feel scratchy.