In The Distance
I suppose I should try to get in a real journal entry before diving into my writing for the morning. I dont want to completely neglect talking about my life outside of NaNoWriMo.
Monday night I went to the Star Bar with Mark to tape him doing comedy. It was a pretty lackluster evening. I had hoped that Mark would draw an early slot so I could get out of there quickly and get more writing done but unfortunately he ended up being one of the last comedians to go on.
Brenda and I have been arguing a lot lately. Its getting worrisome. Yesterday I lost my temper over one of my hot buttonsher getting mad at me and laying a guilt trip on me for not doing something she never asked me to do. I dont know what made her assume that I, an admitted nosocomephobic male (as in being afraid of things medical and not having ovaries), would automatically know to start researching how to obtain birth control. Ive never had a girlfriend who needed me to do that for her. How the hell would I even know where to start? Shes at least been on birth control before and has some frame of reference about what shes looking for. What the fuck do I know about this stuff? But its not that she wanted me to do that for her that bothers me but that she didnt tell me she wanted me to do that then got mad at me for not doing it.
Shes starting to panic and Im starting to wish she hadnt rushed into moving here. I know its partially my fault for not discouraging her much, but I always made it perfectly clear that I would love and support her even if she wanted to stay in Tampa two more years to finish her degree. I love her and I want her to do what will make her happy. She was the one that said she was miserable in Tampa and didnt want to go to school anymore and that she just wanted to come to Atlanta to be with Debra and me. I certainly didnt object, but I made it clear that I didnt want her to do it if she was just leaving school to be with me and that while we can give her love, family, and help her explore the things she says she wants to pursue in life we cant offer material comfort or financial security. When she says that if we dont want her shell just run away with the Rainbow People whats a guy to do? Its not like I wont be thrilled to have her in the family. I just wish it didnt suddenly seem like shes not going to be any happier here than she is there.
I just want her to be happy and to not expect me to read her mind. It doesnt matter if thats here, there, or Timbuktu. Ill try to accommodate anything she wants but shes going to have to get better at communicating what she wants or things are going to be problematic. She also needs to relax and not freak out at the first sign of rain. I love her and want few things more than for her to be a part of this family but when shes past the point of no return is a really bad time to start struggling against the path she set herself upon. We can make this work, Im sure of it, but it will be a whole lot harder if she doesnt start having a little faith in herself and the choice she has made.
In regards to the other love of my life, Debra, things have been okay but could really stand to be better. Its mostly my fault, as Ive been really wrapped up in my writing and have frankly been somewhat emotionally unavailable (which hasnt helped things with Brenda either, as Ive been somewhat distant from her as well except for when were arguing about something). Usually when theres distance between us its because Debra has closed off while Im reaching out but this time its definitely me thats been putting up walls. Being confronted with three emotionally distraught women in my first 24 hours back from Tampa combined with my being upset at all the stuff distracting me from NaNoWriMo really drained me and Ive just been kind of numb to everything. I dont like it. I can see Debra reaching out to me and I want to reach back but Im stuck in my own head. I can hear Brenda needing my attention and I just cant give it. I dont even speak to katfireblade or her brother. I talk to Mark more than anyone this past couple of days and thats not that much at all.
Its slowly been getting better and Im starting to wake up from my waking dream but its disconcerting that I got mired in there to begin with. I think leaving Brenda behind in Tampa left me feeling hollower than I realized and I just needed to readjust to not having her at my side. She just felt so right there.
NaNoWriMo 2005, Day 8
written last night
Today was a much better day than yesterday, but still not good enough. I only managed to get 2052 new words down. That means Im even farther behind than I was yesterday, but at least its not by a huge amount. Im starting to get my groove back after having it thrown off by various factors. Thats good, because now I have to write 6155 words tomorrow to completely back on track.
I went to Barnes & Noble today and skimmed through No Plot, No Problem by Chris Baty, the founder of NaNoWriMo. It looks like a great book and if Debra hadnt gotten royally screwed on her paycheck I would have picked it up.
Word Count: 9,770 / 50,000
I suppose I should try to get in a real journal entry before diving into my writing for the morning. I dont want to completely neglect talking about my life outside of NaNoWriMo.
Monday night I went to the Star Bar with Mark to tape him doing comedy. It was a pretty lackluster evening. I had hoped that Mark would draw an early slot so I could get out of there quickly and get more writing done but unfortunately he ended up being one of the last comedians to go on.
Brenda and I have been arguing a lot lately. Its getting worrisome. Yesterday I lost my temper over one of my hot buttonsher getting mad at me and laying a guilt trip on me for not doing something she never asked me to do. I dont know what made her assume that I, an admitted nosocomephobic male (as in being afraid of things medical and not having ovaries), would automatically know to start researching how to obtain birth control. Ive never had a girlfriend who needed me to do that for her. How the hell would I even know where to start? Shes at least been on birth control before and has some frame of reference about what shes looking for. What the fuck do I know about this stuff? But its not that she wanted me to do that for her that bothers me but that she didnt tell me she wanted me to do that then got mad at me for not doing it.
Shes starting to panic and Im starting to wish she hadnt rushed into moving here. I know its partially my fault for not discouraging her much, but I always made it perfectly clear that I would love and support her even if she wanted to stay in Tampa two more years to finish her degree. I love her and I want her to do what will make her happy. She was the one that said she was miserable in Tampa and didnt want to go to school anymore and that she just wanted to come to Atlanta to be with Debra and me. I certainly didnt object, but I made it clear that I didnt want her to do it if she was just leaving school to be with me and that while we can give her love, family, and help her explore the things she says she wants to pursue in life we cant offer material comfort or financial security. When she says that if we dont want her shell just run away with the Rainbow People whats a guy to do? Its not like I wont be thrilled to have her in the family. I just wish it didnt suddenly seem like shes not going to be any happier here than she is there.
I just want her to be happy and to not expect me to read her mind. It doesnt matter if thats here, there, or Timbuktu. Ill try to accommodate anything she wants but shes going to have to get better at communicating what she wants or things are going to be problematic. She also needs to relax and not freak out at the first sign of rain. I love her and want few things more than for her to be a part of this family but when shes past the point of no return is a really bad time to start struggling against the path she set herself upon. We can make this work, Im sure of it, but it will be a whole lot harder if she doesnt start having a little faith in herself and the choice she has made.
In regards to the other love of my life, Debra, things have been okay but could really stand to be better. Its mostly my fault, as Ive been really wrapped up in my writing and have frankly been somewhat emotionally unavailable (which hasnt helped things with Brenda either, as Ive been somewhat distant from her as well except for when were arguing about something). Usually when theres distance between us its because Debra has closed off while Im reaching out but this time its definitely me thats been putting up walls. Being confronted with three emotionally distraught women in my first 24 hours back from Tampa combined with my being upset at all the stuff distracting me from NaNoWriMo really drained me and Ive just been kind of numb to everything. I dont like it. I can see Debra reaching out to me and I want to reach back but Im stuck in my own head. I can hear Brenda needing my attention and I just cant give it. I dont even speak to katfireblade or her brother. I talk to Mark more than anyone this past couple of days and thats not that much at all.
Its slowly been getting better and Im starting to wake up from my waking dream but its disconcerting that I got mired in there to begin with. I think leaving Brenda behind in Tampa left me feeling hollower than I realized and I just needed to readjust to not having her at my side. She just felt so right there.
NaNoWriMo 2005, Day 8
written last night
Today was a much better day than yesterday, but still not good enough. I only managed to get 2052 new words down. That means Im even farther behind than I was yesterday, but at least its not by a huge amount. Im starting to get my groove back after having it thrown off by various factors. Thats good, because now I have to write 6155 words tomorrow to completely back on track.
I went to Barnes & Noble today and skimmed through No Plot, No Problem by Chris Baty, the founder of NaNoWriMo. It looks like a great book and if Debra hadnt gotten royally screwed on her paycheck I would have picked it up.
Word Count: 9,770 / 50,000
i hope things get better. and brenda is right; tampa is awful. (i used to live very close to there.)
[Edited on Nov 09, 2005 3:55PM]