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vancleef

Canada

Member Since 2005

Followers 19 Following 36

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Tuesday Sep 20, 2005

Sep 19, 2005
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So to fill everyone in on where i have been the last few days ive decided to update my dusty, long lost journal that nobody reads anyways.

University is actually not all that bad. Its nice living on my own for once. Its nice escaping into a different world full of people who don't know you and starting over. Its nice to escape the haunting echos of almost forgotten memories that seem to always lurk around your feet.

It's nice to walk away from a job that seems to only produce fake friends who will laugh with you while you are in their presence; only to cut you, mock you, humiliate you, and break you once you turn your back.

Home is a group of people who know your every weakness, your heartaches and your defeats. Moving away from all that has finally allowed me to wear my kidney on my sleeve in replace of my heart.

I refuse to be heartbroken again.

I refuse to get involved with a girl that I only semi like.

I refuse to bring my old self into this new world.

There's a good chance none of those will hold up.

Two weeks in and I've already become infatuated with someone. Her beauty and strong personality dull my senses to the outside world. She catches my attention like cat on mouse and I can't seem to get away. Whenever she is around I lose track of everything that is going on around me. When she talks to me, her words pierce my soul with a harpoon sting that can only be described with one word. Her lips seem to move in slow motion while she speeks. Every motion of her mouth I remember. Every smile, laugh, wave, and glance I remember. What's this word that's burning in my heart?

I get giddy when she walks by my room. I can't take my eyes off of you.....Because of this constant pulling of my already worn heartstrings I havn't had much time for homesickness. Maybe its because there really isn't anything from 'home' that I miss. Or maybe its because I never really felt at home while I was there in the first place.

Andrew Largeman said it the best: "You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

I am comfortable walking in the dark with so many people. We all stumble over the fact that we have to make this our home.

This is my life... good to the last drop. This is my life and it's ending one minute at a time. Why can't I ever get the courage to talk to her.

Just TALK TO HER.

Oh all the times Ive tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head





now....now....now....

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