valquerie

I went on a trip today to milwaukee to see my step-sister and brother-in-law and my baby nephew who is totally adorable. It was sweet to see them. Ever since my mom and her dad moved to Honduras we have had to take initiative to see each other. We never grew up together. It's been really awesome to develop an independent relationship with them. They are deaf and my sign language is at the beginner level, but every time I've seen her lately my sign has gotten that much better. I want to take a class now, because the more we talk, the more we have to talk about.

Then, I drove to my (new) friend Janet's house for late-night conversation. The problem was that there was this thing where she had said that she wanted to kiss me last time, but she couldn't cause she had a cold. In the interim, I pretty much figured out that this was not a romantic thing for me, just a friendship, although I did give it some serious thought because we do get along so well. We had our usual awesome conversation, including about sexuality. I am a true bisexual by nature, plain and simple. She is more particular, she says, but she hopes to develop more of an attraction to straight men (!?) It sounds odd to hope to develop that kind of thing, but that's Janet--somewhat enigmatic and definitely her own woman.

She came over onto the couch to sit by me and it felt nice to be close to her. Then she kissed my ear and then attacked my mouth. I just sat there, kissing back barely. She was one of the worst kissers ever! That helped me make my announcement quicker: "I don't feel that way..." She took it well and we had a nice time anyway. She was "dissappointed, a little bit" she said, but she shifted gears pretty well. I decided to not indulge my feelings of violation, since she totally kissed me unilaterally, but instead to just remain calm, express my desires and let her talk until the subject changed, which was pretty fast.

It's only now that I think back on it and realize that I really hated being kissed by her so much, especially how it came so suddenly and unromantically. Well, I have to take responsibility for the fact that I never before told her that I didn't want a sexual thing or that I went to her house after 9 o'clock, or that I let her cuddle next to me, I guess. I mean, once I expressed it, everything was fine, pretty much.

I don't know: it was kind of a violation on her part, but my signals weren't totally clear: they usually aren't. I'm usually pretty quiet about expressing my feelings about a person: If I really like them, I'm usually shy about it, and if I don't I tend not to want to hurt their feelings, until I have to, I guess. I mean, if I enjoyed the kiss that would have been another story, and I was considering it even while it was going on. Sometimes there just isn't the spark, and the other person has to just feel how they feel, alone. It' kind of a tragedy, when you think about it. But it, like most things, will pass....

The whole afternoon and evening kind of put me into a mood. I guess it was a good one, overall. On my drive home I got ecstatic over all kinds of music on the cd player, like Matthew Sweet, Richard and Linda Thompson, Jeff Buckley, Eric Matthews, Nick Drake and other gorgeous stuff. When I got near my house at 4:30 am, I still wasn't ready to be home. I drove across the street and down a lane to the lake. Mist was flowing from the shore out onto the surface of the lake like spirits from a cauldron. It just kept pouring out and mixing into shapes in the air just above the water. It was unbelievably beautiful. Yes, nearly unbelievable and totally beautiful.

I finally got home and may actually sleep now. First, a quick tour of the SG site...see what's happened to everyone else today.