WARNING!: This blog may contain excessive whining!
I just wanna get the fuck outta here! Really, I feel like travelling is the only cure for all my negative shit at the moment but I have no where near enough cash to even think about it. Work is sloooow! This is usually the busiest time of the year, apparently people go crazy for cereal in summer?! Normally I'd be doing overtime and raking in the dough, but this year, nothing! I'm quite sure the company is going down, of course they wouldn't tell us until the last possible second. Now I'm sure your all thinking why dont i just get another job? Well my friends here is my predicament....although this job sux balls, it does pay well (when I get the work!), is piss easy and is a 2 minute drive from home. Plus there is the added bonuses of working with reasonably nice people. To add to the troubles there are also no other jobs. Seriously, nothing. I have no other skills or qualifications....unless I could get a job that involves sitting on my ass and eating excessive amounts of baked goods, I am fucking awesome at doing that. I hear that doesn't pay well though. See here's the thing, i could possibly get another job, something that is actually stimulating and where I don't have to constantly talk myself into not contemplating suicide but run the high risk of making minimum wage, thus not helping me with the travelling situation. Or i could get yet another happiness draining dead end job where I make cash, if i get enough work, but will most likely end up spending it all on chocolate in an attempt to distract me from my pathetic excuse for an existence. Either way I am just fucked....and not in the pleasurable way, lets not even get into the lack of that! I originally got this shitty job to make money to travel...that was 2 and half years ago. This just makes me lose all hope! I used to make heaps of money...where the fuck did it all go? I look around, and I am sure as fuck not surrounded by 30 grands worth of shit. I just feel like a failure, and that its no one's fault but my own, and I just don't feel like I have the energy to pull myself out of this rut. To make shit worse I've started to take money out of my what was never large savings, so now I'm just getting further from what I want. And don't let this rant mislead you into thinking I'm some ignorant bitch, i am aware that people out there have real problems but for this blog I choose to be selfish and not really give a fuck for anything but my petty shit.
Also I might add I think I'm mental...for serious. I really think i should go back to the psychologist before I flip out. A mixture of negative thinking, paranoia, anxiety and occassional depression = crazy ValGal! I am finding myself permanently anxious for no reason. I'm having attacks at work, and out of fear of looking like a complete nutcase I just carry on working like nothings happening but inside feel like I will die if I don't runaway. I look in the mirror and feel like the face I'm staring at doesn't match the thoughts I can hear. I have so many fucked up thoughts constantly circling in my head that I have a never ending headache. I feel like I cant control my own emotions and thoughts anymore. But again, i have no money to go tell this shit to a proffessional.
Somewhere along the line I've convinced myself that if I could only travel i could find the answers to my troubles. If I could just go to a far away land, an opportunity would arise. If I could just find somewhere that felt like home, maybe i wouldn't feel so fucked in the head, maybe i could be...happy?
FYI!: this is a rhetorical whinge fest. Don't feel as though you have to leave a comment to the crazy bitch, I'm not looking for answers it just helps if I get all this shit out of my head, maybe then I could sleep.....
I just wanna get the fuck outta here! Really, I feel like travelling is the only cure for all my negative shit at the moment but I have no where near enough cash to even think about it. Work is sloooow! This is usually the busiest time of the year, apparently people go crazy for cereal in summer?! Normally I'd be doing overtime and raking in the dough, but this year, nothing! I'm quite sure the company is going down, of course they wouldn't tell us until the last possible second. Now I'm sure your all thinking why dont i just get another job? Well my friends here is my predicament....although this job sux balls, it does pay well (when I get the work!), is piss easy and is a 2 minute drive from home. Plus there is the added bonuses of working with reasonably nice people. To add to the troubles there are also no other jobs. Seriously, nothing. I have no other skills or qualifications....unless I could get a job that involves sitting on my ass and eating excessive amounts of baked goods, I am fucking awesome at doing that. I hear that doesn't pay well though. See here's the thing, i could possibly get another job, something that is actually stimulating and where I don't have to constantly talk myself into not contemplating suicide but run the high risk of making minimum wage, thus not helping me with the travelling situation. Or i could get yet another happiness draining dead end job where I make cash, if i get enough work, but will most likely end up spending it all on chocolate in an attempt to distract me from my pathetic excuse for an existence. Either way I am just fucked....and not in the pleasurable way, lets not even get into the lack of that! I originally got this shitty job to make money to travel...that was 2 and half years ago. This just makes me lose all hope! I used to make heaps of money...where the fuck did it all go? I look around, and I am sure as fuck not surrounded by 30 grands worth of shit. I just feel like a failure, and that its no one's fault but my own, and I just don't feel like I have the energy to pull myself out of this rut. To make shit worse I've started to take money out of my what was never large savings, so now I'm just getting further from what I want. And don't let this rant mislead you into thinking I'm some ignorant bitch, i am aware that people out there have real problems but for this blog I choose to be selfish and not really give a fuck for anything but my petty shit.
Also I might add I think I'm mental...for serious. I really think i should go back to the psychologist before I flip out. A mixture of negative thinking, paranoia, anxiety and occassional depression = crazy ValGal! I am finding myself permanently anxious for no reason. I'm having attacks at work, and out of fear of looking like a complete nutcase I just carry on working like nothings happening but inside feel like I will die if I don't runaway. I look in the mirror and feel like the face I'm staring at doesn't match the thoughts I can hear. I have so many fucked up thoughts constantly circling in my head that I have a never ending headache. I feel like I cant control my own emotions and thoughts anymore. But again, i have no money to go tell this shit to a proffessional.
Somewhere along the line I've convinced myself that if I could only travel i could find the answers to my troubles. If I could just go to a far away land, an opportunity would arise. If I could just find somewhere that felt like home, maybe i wouldn't feel so fucked in the head, maybe i could be...happy?
FYI!: this is a rhetorical whinge fest. Don't feel as though you have to leave a comment to the crazy bitch, I'm not looking for answers it just helps if I get all this shit out of my head, maybe then I could sleep.....
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Neo's son's band's name is Banned Books right now, though he says you can hear more of their music under their old band name--Good Night or Sleep.
Hope you feel better soon, sweetheart. Kisses.