Good Morning All!
My internet has finally decided it wants to work so I'm going to try and get this blog done before it dies again... The joys of living in Australia and having crappy crappy internet.
I've never been one for blogging much in the past, I had a live journal when I was younger but never really posted much on there and I guest blogged for my BFF's blog years ago when I was visiting her, but ultimately this is something new for me and I hope you all enjoy reading the ramblings of a crazy woman and getting to know me a little more haha
Firstly, I just want to say hi to everyone that's been following me, whether new or old. I've been a member on here for a while now and have only just become a hopeful (eeeek!!!) but you're all awesome and I want to thank you all so much for the support and kind comments, it means a huge amount to me!
Secondly, I'm sure you probably want to know a little info about me. I'm 27, which seems to be pretty old for a hopeful lol I live near Sydney in Australia, I used to actually live in Sydney but I've just recently moved home with my parents so I can save some money and pay off debt and not be so damn stressed about money all the time, but I'm only about a 2 hour drive south now. I love baking delicious things, I love dumb movies and I can binge watch the shit out of TV shows haha. I love music, my taste is a little eclectic because I tend to be drawn to music that makes me feel connected to it, whether happy, sad, angry, empowered. I love music from The Beatles to Childish Gambino, Queens of the Stone Age to Wu Tang Clan... I guess if you want to pin point it I love 'rock' music but it goes so far beyond that description.
I've decided for my first blog that I should just start from the beginning and what better way than to use @missy @rambo and @lyxzen first home work topic "What inspired you to become a SuicideGirl?" (in my case, a Hopeful!).
I've always had pretty low self confidence and self esteem, I've never felt beautiful or attractive, I've always been the fat kid, the fat friend, the girl that never has a boyfriend or falls into that idea of what is considered attractive. I have always tried to hide myself, just be in the background and hope that maybe one day someone will actually notice me. In the last few years I've found myself doing this more and more. I would date, get treated like rubbish and just end up with even lower self confidence and self esteem. It wasn't even just the visual aspect of myself that I started to hate more and more but also who I was as a person. I would constantly wonder what was wrong with me, why I was never good enough for people, whether it be boys or friends or even people that I worked with. I worked in an incredibly toxic environment where everyone was so obsessed with how they looked, I just never fit in there and believe me I tried. My friends were great but I was new to the group and I always just felt like I was an outsider and that I didn't really fit.
About 18 months ago I started seeing a psychologist, I was in pretty bad depression at this stage. Work had taken over my entire life, I had withdrawn from everyone and to be honest I just didn't want to be here any more. It was pretty bleak. Within the first 6 months, I had changed jobs and pushed myself to become more social again, more recently I have been pushing myself to not listen to the horrible, self doubting voice in my head (the inner critic as my psychologist like to call it) as much and have started to feel better about myself. It's been a struggle to get here, and I definitely wouldn't say that I'm there yet but I'm on my way to feeling better.
For years I've looked at all the amazing, incredible, beautiful, stunning SG's whether it be on sites like Tumblr or Instagram (Myspace back in the day) or on this site once I finally got myself a membership and thought to myself 'the girls are amazing, they look incredible, I wish I looked like that, I would never be good enough to be one of those girls'. I've admired and looked up to girls like @peggysue @marceline @kemper @phecda @chad and many many others for years, they are all so incredible and beautiful and are great inspirations and representations of SG's. More recently I've looked up to amazing Aussie hopeful girls like @sirenn @morgull @twitchling and @ambra who are all so so so incredible, they are all very different but all have so much beauty. I have looked at these women with so much admiration, they are strong and empowering even if they don't realise it. Without women like this I would not have even entertained the idea of trying to be a hopeful.
I spent a lot of time thinking 'well maybe if I lose weight I could do it' but I have had very little motivation to exercise and it just ends up being this vicious cycle of 'well if only I was skinnier, but I'm not so I won't do what I want' and I just kept putting on weight and feeling like I couldn't do things. Recently I decided that I would just start posting pictures as a member and see how they went, if no one liked them I would just take them down and I would give up the idea of ever becoming a SG hopeful, but everyone was so supportive and encouraging and eventually I just bit the bullet and decided to go for it.
Once I booked my first shoot in with @coolicio it was very real, I got quite anxious about the whole thing and started to second guess myself a lot but the closer and closer I got to it the more confident and comfortable I got with it. I'm not saying I wasn't nervous as hell last week when we did our shoot but I didn't actually have an anxiety attack on the day so that's definitely an improvement haha. @coolicio was so freaking incredible, she made me feel so comfortable and beautiful. I know my first set is definitely not perfect but she has made me look so much better than I ever thought I could... I know she is going to say that it was all me but without her mad skills and instruction I probably would've just stood there haha. When my set got accepted I was at work and had to try incredibly hard not to dance around like an idiot, I was so happy! Even after everything I didn't think my set would get accepted, I guess maybe I didn't want to get my hopes up but I'm so ecstatically happy that it did!
Here is a little sneak peak for you all, I'm not really sure why but I really love this picture.
It's going to be a long wait until it comes out and I will try not to get too nervous about it until closer to the date - 4 months and 3 weeks to wait!
Now that I've seen this set, it has given me great motivation to get in shape and push myself to be better. I went to a boxing class yesterday... I can't move today! Next week I start PT sessions, which will be a struggle but ultimately it is something I need to do for myself and my health, both physical and mental. I don't want to lose all of my curves but I want to be in a position where I can look at myself and think 'yeah I look okay'.
Well that's enough from me today... sorry for such a long rambling blog, but hopefully you got to know me a little more.
Finally I just wanted to say a huge, huge, gigantic thank you to the very incredible people who have been there for me in all of this recently @boysenberry @kbnavy2018 and @mojo7673 - You are all amazing and I couldn't have done this without you! I mean the fact that @mojo7673 now calls himself my life coach says it all!
Thanks for reading.
Peace, Love and Polka Dots xx
