vagabondking

I'm not even sure why I'm really writing this, I don't expect people to read it, I was just told I need to talk things out more and not be so closed off about my own life. So maybe venting if only to a journal will help. I'll be 26 next month and I'm not really where I saw myself at all. I'm not talking about having a kick ass life full of success and all that jazz, but my family life leaves something to be desired and this bothers me greatly, I guess it bothers me cause family is one of the most important things to me. I expected by the time I was 26, fuck 25 even, that my relationships with my parents would have mended by now and my brothers and I would be closer than we are. But things don't seem to change no matter how much I want them to or how good I try to be to these people. I guess what got me thinking about all this lately was my brother being struck by a car and being sent to the emergency room. When my mom text me and told me my initial reaction was to immediately jump in my truck and head over to the hospital even if all was well, its family and I felt it was my obligation to be there. But sitting there with my brother made me think back a few years ago to when I had an on the job accident while working for FedEx at the airport, and my right leg got totally fucked up to the point where doctors weren't sure I'd even walk again correctly or without help, and who was there for me at the hospital, no one but my mom. And she only happened to be there because she was on duty at the hospital that night when I was brought in. Now my childhood wasn't great but it wasn't horrible compared to a lot of others but a lot of things happened that just destroyed the relationships I had with my mom and dad. There was physical abuse and psychological mixed with medications I never had make for easy parenting. But as bad as things might get I always thought that we'd all make up one day I guess. And something I don't generally talk about cause a lot of people don't understand and I feel like my mentioning it gives the whole process a bad name, but I was adopted. Adoption is a bad thing at all, most kids go to really really great homes, and the agencies run really extensive back ground checks on the potential parents. People seem to have this general misconception that about adoption that all kids that get put up for adoption end up getting abused or stuck in the foster system forever and it just kinda taints the whole thing. But my point being with my particular situation I was made to feel like I was never wanted around and that I was constantly a burden and because I was adopted that added another layer to it, I've always felt like I wanted a family to belong to, I guess that's part of the reason family is so important to me and with that said its probably why its been bugging me so cause it feels like there's something missing, an empty spot that just can't be filled. I keep trying to mend things with my brothers and my parents cause I know as dysfunctional as we may be its the only family I have and it bothers me that it doesn't seem to be getting better, in fact conflicts and fights over the phone seem to be more frequent actually, maybe more later if I feel like it