i will be having what is known as a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. it's a severe reduction of my stomach, which forces my body to deal with well below what an average person would deal with in caloric intake. it's a MAJOR life change. it means eating approximately a tea spoon worth of food per meal per day. it is not easy. it is not the easy way out. it does work, as long as the person is willing to work with it. my sister had it done almost 5 years ago and is way skinny now. i'm hoping to get down far enough to stop my back and knees from hurting, to be able to stop taking 120+ mg of morphine per day. i want to be able to exercise without severe pain. this is the only way that will happen. i have been overweight all my life. nothing i have done has ever put me below the recommended weight for my height. my knees are shot. my back has 2 slipped discs and one that is nearly gone. this causes me pain on a daily basis. i'm only 38, i should not have this amount of pain. i know it's my own fault, i know i got here to this point because of me. i'm now doing something about that. i am now taking control of my life.

but... i am scared.

i am so fucking scared. i haven't had the best of luck with general anesthesia lately, woken up with tubes in my lungs 3 times. it's so very frightening. but i know i need to do this. i want to live a healthy lifestyle, i want kids and to be able to run and play with them and be here when they grow up. if i do not do this surgery i know i will not be here. i won't be around to see them grow up.

but that does not make it any easier. i've been told it's realtively easy, i will sleep for a bit and wake up on my way to a thinner, more healthy lifestyle. i hope that is the case. i know it worked for my sister. it will work for me...i just need to hang on and get through it. every day closer and i freak out just a bit more. i'm gonna be a mess come the 17th. i just hope i can keep my shit together til they knock me out lol.