today is day 3 with no anti-depressants. i didn't set out to get off of them, it happened by chance. i ran out, submitted a refill request, the pharmacy had to call my doctor for a refill, then had to wait because they were out of stock.
i think i'm ready to be off them now. i feel good. some small brain zaps and body quakes, nothing too severe. the dreams are ... intense, no more killing tho, just intense and odd, but i've always had odd dreams, so that's nothing new. i tried to get off them a few months ago but the wounds were still too fresh, the pain felt like murder to quote atmosphere, and i ended up back on them.
i feel like i am now at a place in my life where i can honestly say i am happy.
it has been a long, long time since i could say that. i now can do what i want, when i want and only have myself to worry about. if i want to go somewhere, i go, if i want to buy something, i buy it, no worrying about what anyone else might think. i have seen so many great bands live recently that i would otherwise have missed, and i'm getting to spend a lot of time with my nephews and family, which was something i was not able to do before, and aside from 2 near death experiences in the last 2 months i feel good, healthy. if i never see the inside of a hospital again it will be too soon! lol.
i guess what has helped this time is that i pretty much quit drinking. i used to drink daily, not always to the point of being drunk, but daily, as if it were my job. i know i used alcohol as a crutch, a mental pain reliever, as something i would hide things behind that i didn't want to deal with. i don't feel like i need to do that anymore. i feel like i can handle things in my life head on. now when, if, i have a drink, or beer, it's to enjoy it, or the event, or whatever, instead of something i need to cope with the world. i'm also sleeping without sleeping pills, something i have not been able to do in years, and haven't had to take any anxiety meds in quite some time.
i'm losing weight steadily, eating healthy, going out and living my life, having fun. it is a remarkable change from a year ago, and one i would not have expected, it just sort of caught me by surprise.
here's one of my favorite new paradox tunes:
i think i'm ready to be off them now. i feel good. some small brain zaps and body quakes, nothing too severe. the dreams are ... intense, no more killing tho, just intense and odd, but i've always had odd dreams, so that's nothing new. i tried to get off them a few months ago but the wounds were still too fresh, the pain felt like murder to quote atmosphere, and i ended up back on them.
i feel like i am now at a place in my life where i can honestly say i am happy.
it has been a long, long time since i could say that. i now can do what i want, when i want and only have myself to worry about. if i want to go somewhere, i go, if i want to buy something, i buy it, no worrying about what anyone else might think. i have seen so many great bands live recently that i would otherwise have missed, and i'm getting to spend a lot of time with my nephews and family, which was something i was not able to do before, and aside from 2 near death experiences in the last 2 months i feel good, healthy. if i never see the inside of a hospital again it will be too soon! lol.
i guess what has helped this time is that i pretty much quit drinking. i used to drink daily, not always to the point of being drunk, but daily, as if it were my job. i know i used alcohol as a crutch, a mental pain reliever, as something i would hide things behind that i didn't want to deal with. i don't feel like i need to do that anymore. i feel like i can handle things in my life head on. now when, if, i have a drink, or beer, it's to enjoy it, or the event, or whatever, instead of something i need to cope with the world. i'm also sleeping without sleeping pills, something i have not been able to do in years, and haven't had to take any anxiety meds in quite some time.
i'm losing weight steadily, eating healthy, going out and living my life, having fun. it is a remarkable change from a year ago, and one i would not have expected, it just sort of caught me by surprise.
here's one of my favorite new paradox tunes: