First off, It's no one elses fault for any of this...If someone who might think they are part of this reads it and feels attacked, Im sorry im not meaning to.
2020 started like a normal year...And then i decided i wanted to see what suicide girls was like again...Now, Im just gonna throw this out there, The first time i saw suicide girls, I was underage...But who cares, who is shocked. Its the internet, Porn is everywhere. Its not a big shock...
Girl number 1....Talked, Had fun, Very short lived, As the same case with all of the girls on here that ive talked to, They offer onlyfans stuff etc etc for stuff, Honestly though...I didnt ever want anything in return, Im irresponsible with money and i know that, Im kinda stupid with it, I could be living under a bridge and still give my last breath and penny to someone else even if they are doing better than me. And i dont blame anyone, I get it...Im perfectly aware of the fact that the things offered at there and no one minds giving them for the money, I guess its easier that way, Cause then people dont need to feel like a person comes back and acts like they owe them something...But i assure you, Any of the girls ive given money to on here ive never asked for anything ever from them. Because i just saw this world in a bad spot, and figured since im not dying, i dont need anything...Ill just give all of it away to other people....Sadly, This girl had a wishlist for amazon, And i looked over it, Was gonna try buying things off it for her, but it wouldnt let me cause rona is a bitch. But...I did something stupid, because this girl didnt realize her name was on there, I tried to make a bet with her that i could guess her name, In the process of letting her know that her name was out there for the world to see and she should change it...I get it, Dumb move, i should have just told her and not turned it into some game from me, But at the end of the day, I was going to do the right thing regardless of all that. Needless to say, that pretty much ended that situation, Neither one of us found the others company to be worth while. Im glad i was at least able to keep her from doxing herself though, If someone worse than me had found out, good lord, god only knows what could have happened...That being a note to anyone trying to stay a secret from the world. Hide your identity better.
Girl number 2..... Girl number 2 is still great. still talk on occasion, but not nearly as much as before when it was every day... a little bit of a rough patch, Because my head is about as fucked as the next person. But its always fun, Its much easier to find lines where things are okay and what things arent okay with her. Its cool, Once again...Donated a lot, Never expected anything in return, Just wanted her to have a great birthday...even if the stuff she bought she didnt like that much haha. I guess this part isnt really hell of 2020. But silver lining.
Girl number 3.... Well...Girl number 3 was the biggest mistake... Because i allowed myself to get closer to her than anyone else on here, Foolishly... But i still care about her, Even if the ending was a huge misunderstand and i wish things didnt happen the way they did, But the excitement of me being around and hearing how happy she acted or was, It was great...It was good to feel like someone had fun or smiled just cause id pop in and be like yo. Obviously, This girl i could have easily fallen for, But i know my boundaries especially when they are told to me. I dont really look at SG as a dating site, but again....who knows what could happen in the world, I dont really ever rule anything out...But She was having a rough time with her life, and she had a lot of stuff, and she had to be strong and i was in absolutely no place to contribute to that or make it any better and the reason being is my next point, Finally away from the girls. But also just irresponsibly threw my money at this one as well, Which again...Im glad im able to help people, But just from my realization of character and how dumb i can be in words, maybe ill get better with everything and still be able to help people.
Now then, The hardest part of my entire year....And ive told a few people, and all of my close real life friends obviously know, Since they are also directly connected to this....One of our friends killed themselves, And its so hard to write that in words and read it, He hung himself, Hundreds of miles away from everyone else where he was supposed to be to better his life, Because up here in New hampshire was supposed to not be a good influence, And its hard because he didnt reach out and he didnt ask for help, And im not sure if anyone else has ever dealt with it, But this is the FIRST time ive dealt with it for real...I had a fake myspace account girlfriend do the same and sure it hurt then, but after years and finding out it never was real made it not as bad...This still hurts, It still hits me, And for years and years I became numb to the death of people....Im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing, Because man this shit sucks. And i dont think about it much....But losing people is ALWAYS the thing that fucks me up the most....Even if i dont know you well, Or even if we didnt get along ever....It just sucks.. But this hurts, This isnt like losing some girl from when i was 16 and madly in love with her, and she just left without word or closure...Because its still not nearly as bad as someone that can NEVER talk to me again, and can NEVER tell me whats wrong, and can NEVER give any sort of warning this shit would happen. And the fact this happened at the same time Girl 3 was having a hard time in her life, Really fucking sucked, Cause then she left at the same time because i couldnt deal with this, and was making it stressful on her when i shouldnt have. Its just so fucking hard to deal with.
After all this, I barely come on here at all....There are a lot of girls on here that were cool that i didnt have such an in depth story for, or i didnt really talk to as much, So they didnt really affect my 2020 in a super positive or super negative way, Which i guess is probably better. But my ex girlfriend that broke up with me in 2019, Decided to emotionally blackmail me all year as well, And then come 2021 decided that the new year was good to be brought in with wishes of me killing myself, For me, Thats silly...I could never do that, I could put myself through hell and back if i wanted, But i would never kill myself, Because deep down i love living too much. Not sure if anyone will read this, But if they do...That is basically what my 2020 looked like from my head, If anyone that i talked to at the start of 2020 before they vanished feels like knowing whats been new with me. There ya go. Later SG.
Yours honestly, Matt :)
