sorry, this is going to be rather problematic. I used to say on Twitter "this will cost me some followers" but then again, so....? Life, life, is a very interesting thing. It mostly just kinda happens. I was ten when I asked "how long is the movie of my life?" what's in between? There, and then?
And between all the pretentious philosophical bull crap there was always just me. Alone. Like I was merely a witness to it all. But it is not true, I caused a lot of harm. With the best of intentions. And this is life, it just happens.
You cannot just will yourself out of it. That's not how this works. Because if free will were real, then if you were locked away in solitary forever you could will "I want this!" And then be okay. But fuck no, I don't want this.
It's ... quite the story in the end. But I am so tired. I'm done. And maybe that will be the little bit of information I gathered for the process of reality. The sequence of eventualities I've grown to disdain as "me". That somewhere there's version of me that said "it had to be".