In May of this year I had my first manic psychosis. Hallucinations, delusions, the whole thing. I had never experienced anything like it. Committed a felony during it, and broke up during my psychosis with my SO of 14 years. Prior to that I had lost my job. I was sectioned for 4 weeks.
In retrospect I was manic for months before that, and severely depressed for years before that. But all in retrospect.
Came home to an empty house (my SO had moved out) while still manic and slightly psychotic (kept hearing voices). After the mania subsided I started to panic. As in full blown panic attacks: I can't afford this house, I have no job, I'm all alone (no real friends due to long periods of depression in my life), everything is getting more expensive. The panic didn't stop. I stopped buying things because expensive, and thus I stopped eating completely. My whole body was locked up from the tension.
The panic finally collapsed into a psychotic depression where my mind was stuck in an endless hell loop. I was hospitalized again for 6 more weeks.
Came home after that but still very depressed, couldn't get out of bed most of the time. Nothing had changed, other than a bit of time had passed and 30k evaporated on the stock market. Still missing my SO, still no job (and really no way of getting one), no alternatives because government shenanigans there is no financial aid for me. I'll be homeless soon.
Weeks of dreadfully watching YouTube and smoking cigarettes passed by until I caved. This is no life, I attempted to end it. My ex called the cops in time. Spend the Christmas days alone ordering pizza.
It's just too much: bipolar-1 diagnosis, lithium medication, a felony (i broke into a place for reasons of insanity), loss of my SO, manic psychosis, depressive psychosis, impending homelessness, loss of cognitive and executive functioning, and all I can do is dreadfully reminisce over how terrible everything will become. They should just lock me away forever. Wish euthanasia was more accepted. Some people just fail in life. The crash is especially hard since at one point I made like 150k/yr in software and bought a beautiful house. Now that house is just haunted and I'm trapped. No income, no house. But no mind, no income. I just sleep and watch some more YouTube on the background. Have about a year before I have to declare bankruptcy, oh well. Might not make it that far, to be honest.
