I feel the need to tell the world how I'm doing.
Course that means I'm just telling the few people who pay attention to me here, but that's kinda how I like it.
I've been a hermit for a while now.
Well acording to my tarot cards I've always been associated with the Hermit but that's not what I'm talking about.
I mean. I've seperated myself from social interaction for quite a while. Just before I joined SG in fact.
I didn't completely quit being around people.
I work in a building filled with 600 others, and even interact with some of them during my work day. I don't shy from conversations when they happen in the streets if I see someone I know. I even spend some time once or twice a month with people out in social settings like movies or coffee or just hanging out at someones house.
But this is far less than I ever did before.
Each day of the weekend was booked for me before the month began. I would roleplay pretty much every Saturday and Sunday. Had several monthly engagements that I would have to attend. Would spend every ounce of my time with someone near me if I could.
Why the switch. Not sure really. I've been trying to figure that out. At the time I figured it was because I was depressed and lonely. !?!? Yes it made sense at the time. I felt I had to let it all out, be alone, be really alone, get it out of my system. Mourne the loss of love that had helped to sustain my depressed state and put it behind me. You see love is very important to me. That was three years ago, and I'm still mourning the loss. I'm such a softy.
Well. The more I think about it the more I realize it was two fold. Yeah I wanted to mourne and be sad and stuff, but I also was hoping someone out of the friends I had surrounded myself with would see what I was doing to myself and try to stop me. Try to show me a better way.
No one did. Guess I shouldn't be surprised most of my friends are dealing with their own kinds of depression and various other issues so how could they help someone else when they need help themselves. Still, it does kind of show how important I am to people.
I've known it for a long time. I'm fun to have around in small dosses, but I'm not really all the interesting or vital. I'm quiet, I keep to myself and listen when someone wants me to, but I rarely contribute to conversations unless I find them terribly interesting. Easily overlooked am I.
So... I says, What's the result of all this?
Well. I've surrounded myself with things I can do by myself to keep entertained. That's fine I guess. I've been spending less money on going out, so my debts are burning away a bit quicker... that's good. Brings me a bit closer to the final goals and all that. I've lost touch with a bunch of people that are just as happy without me as they were with. I have a lot of spare time. With which I have yet to do anything productive.
On one hand, I think I've successfully mourned. Finally. This is one of the first days in the longest time that I would say no if she wanted me back. Course ask me again tomorrow and that might have changed.
I miss being in love. I feel like I don't deserve it right now, but I still miss it. I'm in one of those states where you want someone to choose you. Hard to be there, especially since I'm not doing anything with anyone so who the hell is going to choose me. No one sees me.
Hmmm. I've had a lot of time to think about myself. That's kinda the point I guess. Perhaps I should start being more productive with my time. Work on other aspects of me to become more happy with myself, so others can find it easier to be happy with me.
I find it almost amazing how important other people's opinions are to me. I'm practically a fucking hermit why should I care what other people think of me. I do care though. I want to be adored, as much as I adore.
I'm good at babbling aren't I? 'sigh'
Not sure if any of this has been helpful.
Even joining SG was an atempt to reach out to someone, I doubt she even wants me to reach out to her. I'm way to subtle. Far too shy. Ahh well.
I wish you all a wonderful week.
I look forward to reading about your lives.
Course that means I'm just telling the few people who pay attention to me here, but that's kinda how I like it.
I've been a hermit for a while now.
Well acording to my tarot cards I've always been associated with the Hermit but that's not what I'm talking about.
I mean. I've seperated myself from social interaction for quite a while. Just before I joined SG in fact.
I didn't completely quit being around people.
I work in a building filled with 600 others, and even interact with some of them during my work day. I don't shy from conversations when they happen in the streets if I see someone I know. I even spend some time once or twice a month with people out in social settings like movies or coffee or just hanging out at someones house.
But this is far less than I ever did before.
Each day of the weekend was booked for me before the month began. I would roleplay pretty much every Saturday and Sunday. Had several monthly engagements that I would have to attend. Would spend every ounce of my time with someone near me if I could.
Why the switch. Not sure really. I've been trying to figure that out. At the time I figured it was because I was depressed and lonely. !?!? Yes it made sense at the time. I felt I had to let it all out, be alone, be really alone, get it out of my system. Mourne the loss of love that had helped to sustain my depressed state and put it behind me. You see love is very important to me. That was three years ago, and I'm still mourning the loss. I'm such a softy.
Well. The more I think about it the more I realize it was two fold. Yeah I wanted to mourne and be sad and stuff, but I also was hoping someone out of the friends I had surrounded myself with would see what I was doing to myself and try to stop me. Try to show me a better way.
No one did. Guess I shouldn't be surprised most of my friends are dealing with their own kinds of depression and various other issues so how could they help someone else when they need help themselves. Still, it does kind of show how important I am to people.
I've known it for a long time. I'm fun to have around in small dosses, but I'm not really all the interesting or vital. I'm quiet, I keep to myself and listen when someone wants me to, but I rarely contribute to conversations unless I find them terribly interesting. Easily overlooked am I.
So... I says, What's the result of all this?
Well. I've surrounded myself with things I can do by myself to keep entertained. That's fine I guess. I've been spending less money on going out, so my debts are burning away a bit quicker... that's good. Brings me a bit closer to the final goals and all that. I've lost touch with a bunch of people that are just as happy without me as they were with. I have a lot of spare time. With which I have yet to do anything productive.
On one hand, I think I've successfully mourned. Finally. This is one of the first days in the longest time that I would say no if she wanted me back. Course ask me again tomorrow and that might have changed.
I miss being in love. I feel like I don't deserve it right now, but I still miss it. I'm in one of those states where you want someone to choose you. Hard to be there, especially since I'm not doing anything with anyone so who the hell is going to choose me. No one sees me.
Hmmm. I've had a lot of time to think about myself. That's kinda the point I guess. Perhaps I should start being more productive with my time. Work on other aspects of me to become more happy with myself, so others can find it easier to be happy with me.
I find it almost amazing how important other people's opinions are to me. I'm practically a fucking hermit why should I care what other people think of me. I do care though. I want to be adored, as much as I adore.
I'm good at babbling aren't I? 'sigh'
Not sure if any of this has been helpful.
Even joining SG was an atempt to reach out to someone, I doubt she even wants me to reach out to her. I'm way to subtle. Far too shy. Ahh well.
I wish you all a wonderful week.
I look forward to reading about your lives.