unravled

In case you're wondering what my husband and I do to keep the spark alive, it goes something like this:


Randy: you home yet?
Sent at 6:00 PM on Monday
me: maybe
are you home yet?
Randy: no [frown]
what do you wanna do for dinner?
me: i don't know. we don't really have anything.
Randy: yeah
lemme see how much money I have in the bank
me: okay
Randy: well, I still have just over $200
but that lawn guy hasn't cashed the check I wrote him yet
me: how much was that?
Randy: $140
plus I spent about $30 today on gas and food
ha ha, we're so poor!
me: this is really depressing.
Randy: tell me about it
now let's buy some big screen TV's!
me: you go. i'll stay home and cry
Randy: [frown]
don't do that
me: i need a new job.
Randy: I know
you'll find one
me: i hope so
Randy: you will!
me: http://sarahsilvermanonline.com/2007/09/09/sarah-silverman-at-the-2007-mtv-vmas/
Randy: I have no sound
me: watch it anyway and imagine she's talking about britney's vagina. you know it when you see it.
Randy: hahahaha
unfortunately, I do
we should go to the store tonight
me: for what?
Randy: food?
just staples, that kind of thing
me: okay
Randy: maybe we can live off cereal for a week
it'll be like I'm back in college!
me: man, did you just im me to sink me further into depression, or what?
Randy: I thought that's what marriage was for
grope
me: sigh
Randy: [grin]
I love you
hey! where you going?
me: sigh
Randy: get back here!
me: do we have a massive amount of sleeping pills in the house, by any chance?
Randy: just stick your head in the oven like sylvia plath
me: i thought of that. it's electric.
Randy: sleeping pills aren't free, you know
then how'd she manage it?
me: hers was gas
and we can't even afford a garage so i could just take the easy way out and take a nap in the running car
Randy: hahaha
me: maybe i'll just start cutting myself instead
Randy: ok, this conversation is kind of weirding me out a bit
*edited for political reasons*
me: *edited for political reasons*
Randy: HOTT
N00DZ PLZX
me: with blood or without?
Randy: surprise me
me: oh, you'll be surprised all right. hope you can get it out of the carpet and get our deposit back!
Randy: don't worry, I used to clean carpets
me: awesome
Randy: man, being a grownup sucks balls
me: yeah
Sent at 6:21 PM on Monday
Randy: I'm sorry I got us into this
me: it's not your fault.
Randy: well, us owing money to the IRS kinda is
and me having my wages garnished by the state kinda is too
Sent at 6:23 PM on Monday
me: okay it's your fault. but at this point i'm still responsible even if we get divorced, so i guess we'll just have to stay together.
sigh
Randy: [frown]
me: doesn't it feel better to just give up?
Randy: yeah
pass me a hot pocket
me: let's go to KFC!
Randy: hang on, lemme get my sweat pants
y'know, if there was only some way to turn all this frustration into money
we'd live like KINGS
me: prostitution?
Randy: there are other kinds of frustration than sexual, rachel.
GOSH
me: i don't even know you anymore.
Randy: "maybe if you learned how to fuck me better, I wouldn't be down here chewing on this thing like it was the paperboy's dick!"
me: snack time, any time.
Randy: haha
me: man, i'm totally posting this in my journal.
Randy: go for it, I have nothing to live for anymore
TAKE ME, SWEET DEATH
I AWAIT YOUR COLD SOGGY EMBRACE
me: okay, see you at home, Failure Pile.