Drama vs. Me: No Retreat, No Surrender
Last Friday marked the latest addition to the growing list of reasons why it was a bad idea to move a teenager in with a newly divorced twenty-something hedonist. This event, however, beat the hell out of all the other reasons and rocketed to the top of the list. So forget about all the nice furniture and electronics...
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Last Friday marked the latest addition to the growing list of reasons why it was a bad idea to move a teenager in with a newly divorced twenty-something hedonist. This event, however, beat the hell out of all the other reasons and rocketed to the top of the list. So forget about all the nice furniture and electronics...
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VIEW 25 of 60 COMMENTS
Last Weekend III: Revenge of Last Weekend
From now on, let Sunday the 7th of November be known as Easter II: Resurrection Boogaloo, for I have escaped from the icey embrace of my own death to walk the earth once again. When you go to church next year to begin your celebration of my inspiring tale of valor, you will all be baptised in a...
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From now on, let Sunday the 7th of November be known as Easter II: Resurrection Boogaloo, for I have escaped from the icey embrace of my own death to walk the earth once again. When you go to church next year to begin your celebration of my inspiring tale of valor, you will all be baptised in a...
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VIEW 25 of 47 COMMENTS
derceto:
a little birdie told me you were interested in a trip that we are taking. and of course, you are welcome to join.
seriously though, you are more than welcome to catch a ride with us. like he said as long as you can get to jersey its all good, it would just be traffic hell to go and get you. and at the very least if you aren't able to go along with us on friday and go up anyway i'll be more than happy to give you a ride home on sunday. i'm emailing you my number now so you've got it.
seriously though, you are more than welcome to catch a ride with us. like he said as long as you can get to jersey its all good, it would just be traffic hell to go and get you. and at the very least if you aren't able to go along with us on friday and go up anyway i'll be more than happy to give you a ride home on sunday. i'm emailing you my number now so you've got it.
wraith7000:
I will eat a chocoholic bunny in your sacred memory.
New York City Police Department
Incident Report
Incident Number 103104
Submitted by: Detective Frank Imperioli
It was a long week. I had been working day and night to solve my case, but at some point the Chief decided my time would be better spent in his office getting my chops busted instead of on the streets busting chops. Earlier in the week I ended up...
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Incident Report
Incident Number 103104
Submitted by: Detective Frank Imperioli
It was a long week. I had been working day and night to solve my case, but at some point the Chief decided my time would be better spent in his office getting my chops busted instead of on the streets busting chops. Earlier in the week I ended up...
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VIEW 25 of 57 COMMENTS
lemonkid:
Did I cut to the quick?
I'm waiting for a can of Crunk to fly out of an unmarked car and take me out gangsta-style.
I'm waiting for a can of Crunk to fly out of an unmarked car and take me out gangsta-style.
shmidol:
Yeah, just remember that the next time I bust you in the eye! 
Time to get a new job. Maybe I should dust off the old resume and see how it stands up to the man I am today.
UnnecessaryZ
OBJECTIVE: To obtain a position that will challenge my ability to care less than I already do about anything not directly related to writing. Management team that is not reduced to tears everytime someone rolls their eyes...
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UnnecessaryZ
OBJECTIVE: To obtain a position that will challenge my ability to care less than I already do about anything not directly related to writing. Management team that is not reduced to tears everytime someone rolls their eyes...
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VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
wren:
My resume is pretty extensive for being strictly about Wal-Mart. Very impressive. I've gotten hundreds of job offers. This one guy totally asked me if I wanted to be a desert sheik. Benefits included my own harem and six camels. But I didn't want to move out of tropical Minnesota, so I turned him down.
pav:
You won't mind if I "borrow" this resume for my application to be a magician fighter pilot...
Shit...n/m.
Shit...n/m.
The Emotional Trainwreck of the All-American Brawler
After the completely boring success of my first ever outing as a hired thug, I decided to make this entry about fighting. I'm doing this because I got myself all pumped up to be threatening for my little job, and nothing came out of it except one very nice lady handing me the money I came for. So...
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After the completely boring success of my first ever outing as a hired thug, I decided to make this entry about fighting. I'm doing this because I got myself all pumped up to be threatening for my little job, and nothing came out of it except one very nice lady handing me the money I came for. So...
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VIEW 25 of 44 COMMENTS
wren:
This journal entry reminded me of the time my younger brother's weak, quivering stomach met the smoking fury of my fist. Those were the good old days.
freyja__:
you know, i've actually managed to cover up that entire 2-way mirror in the kitchen with an armoire. now its just the noises behind the wall in my bedroom that freak me out.
i mean, really, tho.. that mirror was totally freaky.
i mean, really, tho.. that mirror was totally freaky.
Finally, after years of dreaming, someone has recognized my potential as a hired thug. There's a company out there that's owed us money in the six figure range for too long, and it's my job to get it. Telephone negotiations have failed, and playing it cool has gotten us nowhere. Tomorrow, after lunch, I leave my office to visit them, and I don't come back...
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VIEW 25 of 32 COMMENTS
troglodyte:
The only bad thing about that is I'm not the scariest looking guy that works here.
Don't be so sure about that...
synnove:
you can doooo eeeet!
..... that line really isn't funny anymore.
..... that line really isn't funny anymore.
Living with a teenage hooligan that is prone to lying has helped me put things into perspective regarding my own tender years growing up. It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that there was no possible way I ever really got away with anything.
You didn't realize it when you were a teenager yourself, but your parents were so far away from believing anything you...
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You didn't realize it when you were a teenager yourself, but your parents were so far away from believing anything you...
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VIEW 25 of 70 COMMENTS
skryche:
Ha! Yes, I had a good time Friday night. I don't even resent the lack of piggyback rides.
siv:
Your humor points make any potential guilt points reverse-telescope into oblivion, like the opposite of those little dwarfy bath sponge-pill thingies. This would be more fun if you would update, Mr. T.
I just knew that when I walked out of my house this morning wearing an Amsterdam t-shirt that it was open call for friendly idiots. Sure enough, my early morning dumbass encounter rating was off the charts.
Dumbass survival tip #1: If someone starts a sentence with "dude", and they are neither your friend nor being sarcastic, brace yourself for something mind shatteringly stupid.
Bearing...
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Dumbass survival tip #1: If someone starts a sentence with "dude", and they are neither your friend nor being sarcastic, brace yourself for something mind shatteringly stupid.
Bearing...
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VIEW 25 of 48 COMMENTS
fancier:
I just helped.
wren:
You are a sexy bastard.
I sometimes let out a "dude" here and there - at the beginning of a sentance, even - but when you spend a good year hanging out with 19-year-old stoners, well, it's to be expected.
I sometimes let out a "dude" here and there - at the beginning of a sentance, even - but when you spend a good year hanging out with 19-year-old stoners, well, it's to be expected.
I'm too what???
So I went to the audition for that VH1 dating show. My original plan was to show up in my fully developed ninja personality, but I decided against it at the last second. It wasn't for the lack of balls or anything, I just wasn't feeling the crowd. That kind of humor relies upon the ignorance of the intended target, and in...
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So I went to the audition for that VH1 dating show. My original plan was to show up in my fully developed ninja personality, but I decided against it at the last second. It wasn't for the lack of balls or anything, I just wasn't feeling the crowd. That kind of humor relies upon the ignorance of the intended target, and in...
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VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
sluttygoodgirl:
Oh. My. God. Your dating profile. I was crying laughing. I have said this once before, but you HAVE to be the funniest guy on this damn site. Thank you. Fuckin' hilarious.
Wow. How much do I not want to update? I think it's because I see myself as a quality over quantity sort of guy, and I usually don't write anything unless I think it's going to make you laugh, vomit, or - in some kind of kick-ass unimaginable way - both at the same time. But don't let this entry fool you. I still don't...
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VIEW 25 of 28 COMMENTS
doineanta:
HAHAHHAHAHAHA...I knew it would NEVER happen. Cheers to the iceberg fool'! 
game ova playa! you know EXACTLY what im talking about. wait till you see the sweet cut on my face!
game ova playa! you know EXACTLY what im talking about. wait till you see the sweet cut on my face!
freyja__:
the only chance i would give him is a chance to walk away before i start making fun of him.
Thank you. You rule.