Last Weekend IV: Dongaggedon
If there's one thing that I'll always have throughout the course of my life, it's that nothing can take the last couple of weekends away from me. Well, I'll have that in addition to the fact that I probably fathered more than half of you.
Two weekends ago was my first taste of being retired. Not regular retired, where I bitch about my social security while handing out that shitty black and orange wrapped butterscotch candy on Halloween. I'm talking about fantastically retired, where the most important decision I make all day is whether or not I should pop the collar on my tiel polo shirt.
I accepted a gracious invitaion from an impossibly hot girl to spend the weekend in not-Boston, MA, which was almost ruined by the sudden wrath of my high-protien diet. Luckily, it only ended up ruining the drive there, as I spent the remainder of the journey locked in deep mental combat with my ledgendary bowels. After destroying my body's urge to explode itself with my superior concentration, I was ready to increase my proficiency in the forbidden art of chillin'.
Upon arriving at our destination, rumors regarding me sleeping in a different room than the aformentioned hot girl were almost immediately confirmed by a non-hot girl filled aero bed. I resisted the urge to tell our hosts that as someone who is almost thirty years old and has already been through one divorce, I had no desire to be treated like a shifty teenager. I instead opted to act like a shifty teenager and sneak into her room, because getting freaky while worrying about getting caught is a turn-on I haven't experienced since my primary mode of transportation was "skateboard".
The rest of the weekend can be summed up with the following observations:
- Everything in the world becomes completely irrelevant once you begin chilling. Watching the news without using the words "fuck this shit" was almost impossible.
- Spending a weekend not wearing socks and barely wearing shirts is something I now enjoy slightly more than I enjoyed impregnating your mothers with you.
- Being able to wake up and walk to a beach ten minutes away is something I'd like to add to my everyday life. Muay Thai fighting a beautiful woman in the ocean is just gravy.
- Watching Ultimate Fighting with two sexy women while playing Monopoly is oddly better than anything any of you will probbaly ever do, even if one of you manages to solve world hunger or something boring like that.
- Having sex in an outdoor shower gives me an unshakable erection.
The following weekend, while undeniably awesome, was at an obvious disadvantage against its older, more awesome brother. The party started on Friday night with a birthday party for the editor-in-chief of The Shaved Report. After the requisite amount of dry-humping, I moved the party with the help of waxangel and luna to a place where we could play a little game called Get Beat by Zak at Motha' Fuckin' Everything. Not only did I cream them in video game fighting and a brief session of real fighting, I also found my glasses on the sidewalk twenty minutes after a failed attempt to throw me into an open fire hydrant. Not only did it take me about two minutes to find them after I realized they were no longer in my pocket, but I found them on the streets of New York...at night...while completely drunk ass. If that doesn't put the cherry on the I'm Awesome cream pie, nothing does.
I also regret to inform your jealousy that I'm hot, and 67% of it has to do with the hot girl being contained by my grasp in the following picture.
Mind the link on your way out.
If there's one thing that I'll always have throughout the course of my life, it's that nothing can take the last couple of weekends away from me. Well, I'll have that in addition to the fact that I probably fathered more than half of you.
Two weekends ago was my first taste of being retired. Not regular retired, where I bitch about my social security while handing out that shitty black and orange wrapped butterscotch candy on Halloween. I'm talking about fantastically retired, where the most important decision I make all day is whether or not I should pop the collar on my tiel polo shirt.
I accepted a gracious invitaion from an impossibly hot girl to spend the weekend in not-Boston, MA, which was almost ruined by the sudden wrath of my high-protien diet. Luckily, it only ended up ruining the drive there, as I spent the remainder of the journey locked in deep mental combat with my ledgendary bowels. After destroying my body's urge to explode itself with my superior concentration, I was ready to increase my proficiency in the forbidden art of chillin'.
Upon arriving at our destination, rumors regarding me sleeping in a different room than the aformentioned hot girl were almost immediately confirmed by a non-hot girl filled aero bed. I resisted the urge to tell our hosts that as someone who is almost thirty years old and has already been through one divorce, I had no desire to be treated like a shifty teenager. I instead opted to act like a shifty teenager and sneak into her room, because getting freaky while worrying about getting caught is a turn-on I haven't experienced since my primary mode of transportation was "skateboard".
The rest of the weekend can be summed up with the following observations:
- Everything in the world becomes completely irrelevant once you begin chilling. Watching the news without using the words "fuck this shit" was almost impossible.
- Spending a weekend not wearing socks and barely wearing shirts is something I now enjoy slightly more than I enjoyed impregnating your mothers with you.
- Being able to wake up and walk to a beach ten minutes away is something I'd like to add to my everyday life. Muay Thai fighting a beautiful woman in the ocean is just gravy.
- Watching Ultimate Fighting with two sexy women while playing Monopoly is oddly better than anything any of you will probbaly ever do, even if one of you manages to solve world hunger or something boring like that.
- Having sex in an outdoor shower gives me an unshakable erection.
The following weekend, while undeniably awesome, was at an obvious disadvantage against its older, more awesome brother. The party started on Friday night with a birthday party for the editor-in-chief of The Shaved Report. After the requisite amount of dry-humping, I moved the party with the help of waxangel and luna to a place where we could play a little game called Get Beat by Zak at Motha' Fuckin' Everything. Not only did I cream them in video game fighting and a brief session of real fighting, I also found my glasses on the sidewalk twenty minutes after a failed attempt to throw me into an open fire hydrant. Not only did it take me about two minutes to find them after I realized they were no longer in my pocket, but I found them on the streets of New York...at night...while completely drunk ass. If that doesn't put the cherry on the I'm Awesome cream pie, nothing does.
I also regret to inform your jealousy that I'm hot, and 67% of it has to do with the hot girl being contained by my grasp in the following picture.
Mind the link on your way out.
VIEW 25 of 54 COMMENTS
You're looking quite Magnum.
Sorry I never made it to the city, too much stuff to deal with upstate.