Welcome, fools, to my holiday! I am Count Credulous Von Newyear, keeper of all the lies you spoon-feed into your own brain's mouth. Lies that range from the convincing (hey, maybe you will shed those unwanted pounds this year) to the absolutely ridiculous (you're an alcoholic, deal with it). My holiday is celebrated by the people of the world with a surge of new gym memberships, countless amounts of rock-bottom deals at your local furniture outlets, and a low introductory APR on any new automobile purchased during your arbitrary calender change! The only way you can even begin to question my rule is to completely ignore my mandate before February, when everyone unanimously decides to forget about the offerings they presented to me anyway. This will be difficult considering my will is infectious and poisons the minds of those you love and cherish. From the moment January begins to the moment it ends, the people you thought you knew will not be themselves, but in fact my loyal subjects. At work you will find every conversation tainted by my presence. At home you will find your lover looking upon you in expectation. Gaze into their eyes during your next fluid exchange and you will find me gazing back! That's right, tiny-dick, I have seen you naked and I've told all of your friends about your lack of prowess in the sack.
The only person to continuosly slip through my grasp is one...UnnecessaryZ.
His 2004 was riddled with life changing desicions that had practically nothing to do with my domain. Okay, it had totally nothing to do with my domain. Either way, it's heresy!
I have composed a list of his crimes against me in bullet point fashion. BEHOLD!
- Filed for divorce in February. Obtained it in May. May? Who the fuck gets divorced in May? That's what December is for. Dismember December. They don't call it that because of the influx of December marriages.
- Joined a gym in June. Freaking June?! It's too late for beach season, tubby! Are you shaping up to look your best in your massive winter coat, genius? January, bitch! That's what it's there for. Give in to it.
Okay, so the list isn't that long, but those are the kind of changes normally reserved for ME, and he openly violated my boundries. He has made no attempt to present me with an offering, citing reasons such as "I'm happy with the way things are." Pshaw! Well you're a bitch! How about that?
Well, Z, I've noticed you have a new job. Oh, and it looks like your new job hasn't afforded you much time to play on your beloved SG. Well that's TWO new things, and January isn't even halfway over yet. I don't care if you made getting a new job and laying off SG resolutions or not, I'm counting those. What are you going to do about it? I don't care, I'm telling all of my friends that you said it.
Until next year, you hopelessly naive fools, keep reaching for the stars...if only slightly and you promise to quit trying by March at the latest.
Sincerely,
~ Count Credulous Von Newyear ~
The only person to continuosly slip through my grasp is one...UnnecessaryZ.
His 2004 was riddled with life changing desicions that had practically nothing to do with my domain. Okay, it had totally nothing to do with my domain. Either way, it's heresy!
I have composed a list of his crimes against me in bullet point fashion. BEHOLD!
- Filed for divorce in February. Obtained it in May. May? Who the fuck gets divorced in May? That's what December is for. Dismember December. They don't call it that because of the influx of December marriages.
- Joined a gym in June. Freaking June?! It's too late for beach season, tubby! Are you shaping up to look your best in your massive winter coat, genius? January, bitch! That's what it's there for. Give in to it.
Okay, so the list isn't that long, but those are the kind of changes normally reserved for ME, and he openly violated my boundries. He has made no attempt to present me with an offering, citing reasons such as "I'm happy with the way things are." Pshaw! Well you're a bitch! How about that?
Well, Z, I've noticed you have a new job. Oh, and it looks like your new job hasn't afforded you much time to play on your beloved SG. Well that's TWO new things, and January isn't even halfway over yet. I don't care if you made getting a new job and laying off SG resolutions or not, I'm counting those. What are you going to do about it? I don't care, I'm telling all of my friends that you said it.
Until next year, you hopelessly naive fools, keep reaching for the stars...if only slightly and you promise to quit trying by March at the latest.
Sincerely,
~ Count Credulous Von Newyear ~
VIEW 25 of 55 COMMENTS
keith:
I AM going to shed those pounds this year. 
aspen:
