Retro Journal!!!
Since I'm too busy getting ready for my Portland/Seattle trip to come up with anything entertaining, and I really hate telling mysterious online strangers too much factual information about myself, I've invoked the time honored Hollywood tradition of the clip-show. Much like a sitcom where the characters use the staff writer's laziness as a tool to reflect, the only new material you're likely to find here is this snappy intro. Plus I figured that since a grand total of two people on my current friends list read this entry originally, it would be a shame to leave it at that. A hilarious shame, but still a shame none the less. So get ready to get your link on, because this bitch is interactive!
You'll be on a futuristic rocket ride to rejection with online dating!
I figured that in the spirit of post-marital bliss, I needed to try and get laid by a total stranger to feel better about myself. What I soon discovered was that getting yelled at by total strangers was even more satisfying. In celebration of my recent divorce, my boss coerced me into creating an online dating profile through one of NYC's most pretentious entertainment sources, Time Out NY. To give you an idea just how much this dick-lick magazine enjoys sucking the cock of a city that no longer even has one, they ran an article not too long ago called "Why America is Fat...and NY Isn't!" Like we needed another reason to make the rest of America's out of shape asses want to punch us in our rock hard abs. So I proceeded with my profile creation while keeping in mind that I once heard girls dig funny guys. Any of the three people that read my last entry will know that I soon found out how untrue that actually is. As a result, I decided to supplement my one mostly true profile with two other totally fake ones based on the ideas that women also love mysterious and dangerous men.
FIRST UP: ME! Check it out here. I can't give a direct link to the profile, so go to this page and run a profile search (located at the bottom right of the page) for robojoy. Don't forget to click the "more about me" tab to read the meat of the comedy.
It was pretty obvious after a few days that nobody was going to respond to open hilarity, so I decided to don my chick magnet shades and put myself out there. A couple of girls responded at first, but I soon inexplicably drove them away. I hate to be so inconclusive, but I honestly can't figure out what I did wrong since I'm so rad.
NEXT UP: THE NINJA! This time, run a search for Kah_soogi (don't forget the underscore!). In the spirit of pure research, I decided to expand my testing radius by making him bi-sexual. The ladies couldn't have let me know that they freaking loved the black ninja any more if they hit me over the head with their tits. Not only did they respond well to him, but they actually wrote him first. Sadly, as before, they kind of mellowed out and ran once they found out who was actually under the mask. That being the guy they ditched once already. To my immense enjoyment, the gay* crowd didn't seem up for this at all. I even received one angry letter from an anonymous man. I'm not sure if he was gay or not, but his letter certainly was. I don't know what they teach men in the gay army, but one of the first lessons should totally be 'don't fuck with a horny ninja on the prowl.'
LASTLY: Lord_manimal. To find this savage lover, run a search for the above mentioned name. This guy might as well have been a ninja, because he was virtually invisible in the online dating scene. Perhaps I was a little too over the top with the blood soaked profile, but it's my belief people actually died from the comedy overload, or at least lost control of the hand that they use to send millionaire wolfmen internet love letters.
The only thing I learned in the end is that no matter how much more appealing the real me is compared to a monster covered in blood, women will ALWAYS choose the bi-curious assassin first. Most of these people only use their profile space to talk about how smart they are since they enjoy things created by smart people, so I guess I don't give a sweet damn either way.
*Update! Since the original posting of this enrty, I've received a total of ten replies to the ninja profile from gay men. 100% of them wanted to meet and definitely fuck me. These are crazy times we're living in.
*Update II - More pics in my pics section. I rock the dancefloor like you'll never know: retardedly.
Since I'm too busy getting ready for my Portland/Seattle trip to come up with anything entertaining, and I really hate telling mysterious online strangers too much factual information about myself, I've invoked the time honored Hollywood tradition of the clip-show. Much like a sitcom where the characters use the staff writer's laziness as a tool to reflect, the only new material you're likely to find here is this snappy intro. Plus I figured that since a grand total of two people on my current friends list read this entry originally, it would be a shame to leave it at that. A hilarious shame, but still a shame none the less. So get ready to get your link on, because this bitch is interactive!
You'll be on a futuristic rocket ride to rejection with online dating!
I figured that in the spirit of post-marital bliss, I needed to try and get laid by a total stranger to feel better about myself. What I soon discovered was that getting yelled at by total strangers was even more satisfying. In celebration of my recent divorce, my boss coerced me into creating an online dating profile through one of NYC's most pretentious entertainment sources, Time Out NY. To give you an idea just how much this dick-lick magazine enjoys sucking the cock of a city that no longer even has one, they ran an article not too long ago called "Why America is Fat...and NY Isn't!" Like we needed another reason to make the rest of America's out of shape asses want to punch us in our rock hard abs. So I proceeded with my profile creation while keeping in mind that I once heard girls dig funny guys. Any of the three people that read my last entry will know that I soon found out how untrue that actually is. As a result, I decided to supplement my one mostly true profile with two other totally fake ones based on the ideas that women also love mysterious and dangerous men.
FIRST UP: ME! Check it out here. I can't give a direct link to the profile, so go to this page and run a profile search (located at the bottom right of the page) for robojoy. Don't forget to click the "more about me" tab to read the meat of the comedy.
It was pretty obvious after a few days that nobody was going to respond to open hilarity, so I decided to don my chick magnet shades and put myself out there. A couple of girls responded at first, but I soon inexplicably drove them away. I hate to be so inconclusive, but I honestly can't figure out what I did wrong since I'm so rad.
NEXT UP: THE NINJA! This time, run a search for Kah_soogi (don't forget the underscore!). In the spirit of pure research, I decided to expand my testing radius by making him bi-sexual. The ladies couldn't have let me know that they freaking loved the black ninja any more if they hit me over the head with their tits. Not only did they respond well to him, but they actually wrote him first. Sadly, as before, they kind of mellowed out and ran once they found out who was actually under the mask. That being the guy they ditched once already. To my immense enjoyment, the gay* crowd didn't seem up for this at all. I even received one angry letter from an anonymous man. I'm not sure if he was gay or not, but his letter certainly was. I don't know what they teach men in the gay army, but one of the first lessons should totally be 'don't fuck with a horny ninja on the prowl.'
LASTLY: Lord_manimal. To find this savage lover, run a search for the above mentioned name. This guy might as well have been a ninja, because he was virtually invisible in the online dating scene. Perhaps I was a little too over the top with the blood soaked profile, but it's my belief people actually died from the comedy overload, or at least lost control of the hand that they use to send millionaire wolfmen internet love letters.
The only thing I learned in the end is that no matter how much more appealing the real me is compared to a monster covered in blood, women will ALWAYS choose the bi-curious assassin first. Most of these people only use their profile space to talk about how smart they are since they enjoy things created by smart people, so I guess I don't give a sweet damn either way.
*Update! Since the original posting of this enrty, I've received a total of ten replies to the ninja profile from gay men. 100% of them wanted to meet and definitely fuck me. These are crazy times we're living in.
*Update II - More pics in my pics section. I rock the dancefloor like you'll never know: retardedly.
VIEW 24 of 24 COMMENTS
yes, i'm replying to a 3 week old journal comment.
and your journal is too long for me to read.