TEENAGERS ARE FUCKING DUMBASSES: PART DUEX
When I was a kid and still lived at my parents house, my mom swore vengence on me. She use to say that when I had my own place, she was going to come over and dump Koo-Aid all over the place to see how I liked it. Well, the time of reckoning is at hand and the wheels of karma have upgraded to 20" radials with spinners on the rims: my brother is the official equivalent of seven hundred glasses of spilled Kool-Aid. Here's a few helpful tips in case you ever plan on owning and hopefully housebreaking your very own teenager.
- It's not enough to simply tell a teenager that bleach ruins everything except white clothing. You have to show them. Use an exciting yet memorable metaphor if you can. For instance, make them drink bleach and tell them that the inside of their stomach is black clothing. Also, it is important for them to know bleach doesn't magically make stains vanish without the aid of a washing machine, water, or common sense. If they're stupid enough to actually try this, make sure they don't throw the now bleach soaked garment back into the hamper to age alongside your black clothes.
- Teach the child the basic rules of taxation. Nothing too advance, just enough so they know to add a couple of bucks to the price tag. It is also important that, upon realizing the shortage of cash, they don't purchase other items then still ask for enough money to make up for said shortage plus the money they just spent.
- It is a good sign if your teenager asks a lot of questions regarding the correct way to wash their clothes, but teach them the value of carrying this curiosity to their more expensive clothes as well. A stupid $15 Ecko shirt is easily replacable, a $300 coat that now fits on a Cabbage Patch doll is not.
- If the teenager is presented with a good opportunity to use a school holiday to work and make enough money to replace the aformentioned coat, it would be in their best interest to do it. This will prevent much confusion when the child tries to understand why you didn't just buy them a new coat, no questions asked.
- Golden rule in any household: If you finish the Kool-Aid, you replace the Kool-Aid. No exceptions. Bread winners don't like coming home to an empty pitcher that's still in the refrigerator.
There you go, future teenage wranglers. Don't be afraid to use a stick.
When I was a kid and still lived at my parents house, my mom swore vengence on me. She use to say that when I had my own place, she was going to come over and dump Koo-Aid all over the place to see how I liked it. Well, the time of reckoning is at hand and the wheels of karma have upgraded to 20" radials with spinners on the rims: my brother is the official equivalent of seven hundred glasses of spilled Kool-Aid. Here's a few helpful tips in case you ever plan on owning and hopefully housebreaking your very own teenager.
- It's not enough to simply tell a teenager that bleach ruins everything except white clothing. You have to show them. Use an exciting yet memorable metaphor if you can. For instance, make them drink bleach and tell them that the inside of their stomach is black clothing. Also, it is important for them to know bleach doesn't magically make stains vanish without the aid of a washing machine, water, or common sense. If they're stupid enough to actually try this, make sure they don't throw the now bleach soaked garment back into the hamper to age alongside your black clothes.
- Teach the child the basic rules of taxation. Nothing too advance, just enough so they know to add a couple of bucks to the price tag. It is also important that, upon realizing the shortage of cash, they don't purchase other items then still ask for enough money to make up for said shortage plus the money they just spent.
- It is a good sign if your teenager asks a lot of questions regarding the correct way to wash their clothes, but teach them the value of carrying this curiosity to their more expensive clothes as well. A stupid $15 Ecko shirt is easily replacable, a $300 coat that now fits on a Cabbage Patch doll is not.
- If the teenager is presented with a good opportunity to use a school holiday to work and make enough money to replace the aformentioned coat, it would be in their best interest to do it. This will prevent much confusion when the child tries to understand why you didn't just buy them a new coat, no questions asked.
- Golden rule in any household: If you finish the Kool-Aid, you replace the Kool-Aid. No exceptions. Bread winners don't like coming home to an empty pitcher that's still in the refrigerator.
There you go, future teenage wranglers. Don't be afraid to use a stick.
VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
so thank you.
kikka, the naive alien.