VANILLA SLICE
Whitey Saves Us Again!
Ever since the inexplicable race cleansing of the Middle Eastern born Jesus Christ, the entertainment industry has continuously paid homage to the one golden truth: for every lower race incabable of saving themselves from danger, there is one white savior waiting to show them the true way of their people. In a move that is admittedly shallow, yet totally in character for me, I am going to give you a summarized breakdown of the up coming Tom Cruise vehicle The Last Samurai before actually seeing it.
The film opens up with Tom Cruise and his military unit engaging in some form of unforgivable genocide or another. Tom, once proud leader of said troupe, is forced to condem his country's brutal ways after a moment of clarity. Instead of embracing his soul-searching epiphany, his fellow soldiers reject his cowardly ass and betray/abandon him in the savage alien world of feudal Japan.
After a series of humiliating scenarios between the strange, yet majestic looking white man and those vile yellow islanders, a local family adopts Tom as one of their own. Working hard to prove himself to these wise yet primative foreigners, he is eventually accepted by the entire kingdom or whatever those inferior non-whites used as a political system. He is given his first sword by the local drunk, who just happend to be the best warrior in the village until the white man took his family. After days of training in front of a sun set, Tom (now known as White Fire) becomes the finest samurai warrior in the history of the whole mother fucking world.
After a small reprieve spent with his new submissive Japanese girlfriend, the ignorant slant eyed mutants are once again threatened by the warlike ways of Tom Cruise's people. Tom plans a superior defense strategy using his own amry's clearly advanced military tactics that is so great, the Japs can only shrug in confusion. After the smoke clears, Tom Cruise emerges as not only the greatest Japanese man alive, but the greatest lover as well. He then goes on to teach the shogun the true meaning of Christmas. The end.
So far, it sounds like a pretty decent "Whitey Saves the Day" film, with a possible Oscar nomination for Most Productive Use of a Foreign Culture, but there have been better to be sure. Some of my favorites include:
Dances with Wolves - Keving Costner saves the ignorant injuns from themselves and other white people. He dances with wovles straight into our hearts.
Last of the Mohicans - Daniel Day Lewis, a spectacular actor on any other occasion, proves that whitey has what it takes to be a better Indian than any other Indian could even dream of.
Bloodsport - Van Damme shows violent asians just how much more violent the white man can be...and wins their respect in the process.
Whitey Saves Us Again!
Ever since the inexplicable race cleansing of the Middle Eastern born Jesus Christ, the entertainment industry has continuously paid homage to the one golden truth: for every lower race incabable of saving themselves from danger, there is one white savior waiting to show them the true way of their people. In a move that is admittedly shallow, yet totally in character for me, I am going to give you a summarized breakdown of the up coming Tom Cruise vehicle The Last Samurai before actually seeing it.
The film opens up with Tom Cruise and his military unit engaging in some form of unforgivable genocide or another. Tom, once proud leader of said troupe, is forced to condem his country's brutal ways after a moment of clarity. Instead of embracing his soul-searching epiphany, his fellow soldiers reject his cowardly ass and betray/abandon him in the savage alien world of feudal Japan.
After a series of humiliating scenarios between the strange, yet majestic looking white man and those vile yellow islanders, a local family adopts Tom as one of their own. Working hard to prove himself to these wise yet primative foreigners, he is eventually accepted by the entire kingdom or whatever those inferior non-whites used as a political system. He is given his first sword by the local drunk, who just happend to be the best warrior in the village until the white man took his family. After days of training in front of a sun set, Tom (now known as White Fire) becomes the finest samurai warrior in the history of the whole mother fucking world.
After a small reprieve spent with his new submissive Japanese girlfriend, the ignorant slant eyed mutants are once again threatened by the warlike ways of Tom Cruise's people. Tom plans a superior defense strategy using his own amry's clearly advanced military tactics that is so great, the Japs can only shrug in confusion. After the smoke clears, Tom Cruise emerges as not only the greatest Japanese man alive, but the greatest lover as well. He then goes on to teach the shogun the true meaning of Christmas. The end.
So far, it sounds like a pretty decent "Whitey Saves the Day" film, with a possible Oscar nomination for Most Productive Use of a Foreign Culture, but there have been better to be sure. Some of my favorites include:
Dances with Wolves - Keving Costner saves the ignorant injuns from themselves and other white people. He dances with wovles straight into our hearts.
Last of the Mohicans - Daniel Day Lewis, a spectacular actor on any other occasion, proves that whitey has what it takes to be a better Indian than any other Indian could even dream of.
Bloodsport - Van Damme shows violent asians just how much more violent the white man can be...and wins their respect in the process.
VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
thats beautiful im writing that one down.