UNNECESSARY Z PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
It has come to my attention that as many as two or three of you are curious as to why I only receive enjoyment from shitty movies. After all, I did waste a few years of my life going to film school in what might have been an attempt to learn the ancient and deadly art of filmmaking. "Don't film people usually have a contrived list of 'great' movies that they can show to other people in order to express their own excellence?" you might ask. And if you weren't thinking that question at this exact moment, I can safely say that I pulled your thoughts from the future. I can do that in addition to other amazing things. Anyway, my response to your question from beyond time and space is this:
1. People's own ability is NOT directly related to the kind of movies they like, despite what they would have you believe. As crazy as it sounds, liking a film is the easiest part of the entire filmmaking process, making the viewer deserving of little to no actual credit for the creative process. In summary, liking a film does not make you a smarter person unless you A) wrote it, B) directed it, or C) fired J-Lo halfway through production yourself.
2. A little known fact about film study is that one can actually learn a lot more from a crappy film than one could from a great film. Next time you watch a film that you think is great, see how many times you point out any aspect of the actual production process. Now, next time you watch a film you think is total fucking trash, see how many times you shout out "Stupid fucking bastards! What were you thinking when you gave that guy money?!" See, you have now expanded your knowledge of how you shouldn't make a movie, making anything you attempt one casting mistake better than said shitty movie. I love bad movies for these valuable little lessons, you should too.
Now, as a public service, I am going to provide you with a list of my most influential films to date and what went wrong with them. Some of them will be generalized subjects.
Anything starring a former martial artist with no previous acting ability.
- What went wrong?: Martial artists are usually socially ungraceful creeps whose only prior acting experinence is liking Bruce Lee. It takes a certain kind of director to evoke proper motivation for these dim witts and modern science doesn't have the technology to build that kind of person yet.
The Core
- What went wrong?: What didn't go wrong?! This movie should be shown in film schools throughout the world! Big budget failures are always the best kind of failures.
Cradle 2 the Grave
- What went wrong?: In the future, the director needs to stop taking so many breaks so DMX doesn't have enough time to rewrite the entire script to match the storyboard he made on the back of his trapper keeper.
Waterworld
- What went wrong?: When the PAs in charge of actor handling fail in their duties, disasters will occur. Whoever let Kevin Costner out of his feces ridden cage might as well have shot Kennedy, because his mistake is forever marked in the black book of history's biggest fuck ups.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze
-What went wrong?: The quickest way to date your film is to feature a one hit wonder musical artist in it. Case in point: Vanilla Ice. There is a sub-rule in that as well: If you insist on having a musical artist in your film, never have said artist sing a song directly related to the characters, plot, or goal of the film. Case in point: "Go ninja, go ninja, go!"
That's all for now, but if you finish analyzing these films and write eighty page papers on them, I'll give you some more to start with. I'm not saying I'm the best anything in the world, but I am two hundred films about ninjas ahead of you in the filmmaking world. That knowledge is like gold, and you would do well to take it when it's when it's offered.
It has come to my attention that as many as two or three of you are curious as to why I only receive enjoyment from shitty movies. After all, I did waste a few years of my life going to film school in what might have been an attempt to learn the ancient and deadly art of filmmaking. "Don't film people usually have a contrived list of 'great' movies that they can show to other people in order to express their own excellence?" you might ask. And if you weren't thinking that question at this exact moment, I can safely say that I pulled your thoughts from the future. I can do that in addition to other amazing things. Anyway, my response to your question from beyond time and space is this:
1. People's own ability is NOT directly related to the kind of movies they like, despite what they would have you believe. As crazy as it sounds, liking a film is the easiest part of the entire filmmaking process, making the viewer deserving of little to no actual credit for the creative process. In summary, liking a film does not make you a smarter person unless you A) wrote it, B) directed it, or C) fired J-Lo halfway through production yourself.
2. A little known fact about film study is that one can actually learn a lot more from a crappy film than one could from a great film. Next time you watch a film that you think is great, see how many times you point out any aspect of the actual production process. Now, next time you watch a film you think is total fucking trash, see how many times you shout out "Stupid fucking bastards! What were you thinking when you gave that guy money?!" See, you have now expanded your knowledge of how you shouldn't make a movie, making anything you attempt one casting mistake better than said shitty movie. I love bad movies for these valuable little lessons, you should too.
Now, as a public service, I am going to provide you with a list of my most influential films to date and what went wrong with them. Some of them will be generalized subjects.
Anything starring a former martial artist with no previous acting ability.
- What went wrong?: Martial artists are usually socially ungraceful creeps whose only prior acting experinence is liking Bruce Lee. It takes a certain kind of director to evoke proper motivation for these dim witts and modern science doesn't have the technology to build that kind of person yet.
The Core
- What went wrong?: What didn't go wrong?! This movie should be shown in film schools throughout the world! Big budget failures are always the best kind of failures.
Cradle 2 the Grave
- What went wrong?: In the future, the director needs to stop taking so many breaks so DMX doesn't have enough time to rewrite the entire script to match the storyboard he made on the back of his trapper keeper.
Waterworld
- What went wrong?: When the PAs in charge of actor handling fail in their duties, disasters will occur. Whoever let Kevin Costner out of his feces ridden cage might as well have shot Kennedy, because his mistake is forever marked in the black book of history's biggest fuck ups.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze
-What went wrong?: The quickest way to date your film is to feature a one hit wonder musical artist in it. Case in point: Vanilla Ice. There is a sub-rule in that as well: If you insist on having a musical artist in your film, never have said artist sing a song directly related to the characters, plot, or goal of the film. Case in point: "Go ninja, go ninja, go!"
That's all for now, but if you finish analyzing these films and write eighty page papers on them, I'll give you some more to start with. I'm not saying I'm the best anything in the world, but I am two hundred films about ninjas ahead of you in the filmmaking world. That knowledge is like gold, and you would do well to take it when it's when it's offered.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
[Edited on Oct 16, 2003 10:08AM]