The new year has come and gone, and clearly the only resolution I've made is to update even less. Despite several close calls involving the update button, I thinks it's safe to assume that I've stayed true to my vow. I can proudly say that most of you probably have no fucking clue what I've been up to, or possibly even who I am. In case you have, in fact, forgotten who I am, allow me to remind you. I'm right behind you!
Anyway, if any of you thought that I haven't been spending my time locked in a deadly game of cat and mouse with the world's craziest super-scientists, then you're a dick. I guess I have no proof to support my claim other than the fact that you're still standing on an un-exploded Earth.
But my non-super hero work has been pretty fun. We've hired a couple of news anchors to help us with Shaved TV. One of them is a guy named Blitz Howitzer.
Here's Blitz, the work-release intern and soon to be news anchor at Shaved TV, slowly and sexily introducing himself to society.
On a down note, terrorism on American soil has become less and less likely over the last year, despite our government's incessant claims that it was definitely going to happen again. This unfortunate turn of events has left me with at least one completely useless deadly fighting style. For historical purposes, here are some photos of me honing my American pride right before I headed to the freedom outlets to stock up on American flag everything.
This guy is about to learn that the right amount of pressure, combined with my crotch, can make anything possible. Including shattered bones.
All I have to say about this picture is that someone who didn't know me looked at it and said "That guy looks mean!" That person is now chairmen of No Shit Enterprises.
To make up for last year's lack of terror for me to beat up, I had the good fortune of meeting a sexy little dame. Not only is she totally great, she thinks I'm funny, which is a surprisingly rare trait in modern women. The other great thing is that she thought I was actually half black for like, 3/4 of our relationship. She knew my dad wasn't my biological father, but she just assumed that my real dad was another black guy. The fact that she didn't know reflects very well on me if you know what I'm sayin'! I think you do.
To quote her on one particularly magical evening, "People want to BE us!"
It's true.
Anyway, if any of you thought that I haven't been spending my time locked in a deadly game of cat and mouse with the world's craziest super-scientists, then you're a dick. I guess I have no proof to support my claim other than the fact that you're still standing on an un-exploded Earth.
But my non-super hero work has been pretty fun. We've hired a couple of news anchors to help us with Shaved TV. One of them is a guy named Blitz Howitzer.
Here's Blitz, the work-release intern and soon to be news anchor at Shaved TV, slowly and sexily introducing himself to society.
On a down note, terrorism on American soil has become less and less likely over the last year, despite our government's incessant claims that it was definitely going to happen again. This unfortunate turn of events has left me with at least one completely useless deadly fighting style. For historical purposes, here are some photos of me honing my American pride right before I headed to the freedom outlets to stock up on American flag everything.
This guy is about to learn that the right amount of pressure, combined with my crotch, can make anything possible. Including shattered bones.
All I have to say about this picture is that someone who didn't know me looked at it and said "That guy looks mean!" That person is now chairmen of No Shit Enterprises.
To make up for last year's lack of terror for me to beat up, I had the good fortune of meeting a sexy little dame. Not only is she totally great, she thinks I'm funny, which is a surprisingly rare trait in modern women. The other great thing is that she thought I was actually half black for like, 3/4 of our relationship. She knew my dad wasn't my biological father, but she just assumed that my real dad was another black guy. The fact that she didn't know reflects very well on me if you know what I'm sayin'! I think you do.
To quote her on one particularly magical evening, "People want to BE us!"
It's true.
VIEW 25 of 45 COMMENTS
It involved me escaping through an air shaft from my birthday party (to which hot sex was totally about to walk right through the door!) to some undisclosed location within the same building that you were calling me from.
Of course, I also had a dream about cooking bacon. Lots and lots of bacon. Interpret as you will.
i don't believe you asked me for permission to post pictures of me! haha.
add me as a friend you lamo