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Ive been blogging here as a way to try and keep a record of events for my own self use. Honestly this is my way right now of trying to process and let go.
I am crying again.... second time in two days. Second time in.... 4 or 5 years.... more than 2 drops? 18 years?
I made a professional rape crisis councellor overwhelmed.....
I could hardly get it out fast enough....
I dont cry for her. Please understand... i cared for her a great deal, but the emotions are conflicted to the point of pain.
The damage she did to me....
Im just going to rip off the bandaid and let the mask fall...
My last 5 months have been hell.
3 months of routine and systemic rape. Hours. And hours. And hours. Day in. Day out. Every day.
And no ment nothing.
Safewords were ignored.
So i escaped.
The tiny little 120 pund girl who terrified me.
Cause i trained her in basic self defense
I give her 8 or 9 ways to kill or cripple from collarbone to crown.
I showed her that at 6'3" she could defend herself from a rapist.
Could cripple n walk away.
Could kill with very little strength.
I showed her safety
Gave her protection.
I filed a restraining order
The head of the whole domestic violence unit for the whole county i live in personally handled my case from day one of the ex parte order..... a ranking officer.... a corporal. As far as i understand thats 2nd highest rank under an elected position.....
Im in.... shock still.....
Im processing the violation....
Im processing that in her mental illness she saw the one person in the world she could talk to put the threat of arrest between her and reaching out.... then she committed suicide.
My closure was signing paperwork to drop the order for a judge.... n looking over to where shed sat last time.....
The judge had to warn her nonverbal communications were communications. Glaring death at me with her eyes... the judge warned her twice.... almost called in deputies....
I dont know,... the way the energy in the courtroom shifted when i was called as plaintiff.... and when i asked for victem support.... it hurt.
All those folk assuming
After someone sat next to me...
Before i had the whole bench row
It hurt deep
