So about 4 or 5 months ago I made the choice to delete my instagram and essentially leave the site. I thought I would write one final blog now that my most recent set has been taken down and outline a few of the reasons why I'm leaving and won't be coming back. Before I do I want to say that nobody has done anything wrong, these are just my own personal experiences and feelings.
First off, being active on the site has unexpectedly been terrible for my mental health.
I found that I was living every aspect of my life as a hopeful. Spending hours trying to get a nice selfie, writing blogs, being active in the groups, answering messages, and trying to build up a decent ammount of followers. It got to the point where I was having dreams about the site. I felt like I couldn't get away, and honestly it all felt so fake, so very not me. I was getting so stressed about it all and I realized I was basing my self worth on the number of instagram followers I had. After years of building up what used to be a very low opinion of myself I felt like it had all been for nothing because now I felt like I was only seeing myself though the narrow lens of my SG profile, and not for the person I really was. Since leaving a few months ago I have been able to rebuild my own self image to something more like what I used to have, and I'm finally confident in who I am again. Because I am so much more than just a hopeful. I am so much more than just a product of this site.
The new site doesn't reflect my values any more.
When I first became a member I was 17 and stole my Dad's credit card to pay for membership. I loved the premise of the site, that it was a showcase of off-beat beauty and creativity. I would spend hours looking at sets, finding the most incredible colourful and expressive photos. I wanted to be just like the women I saw, and use the site as an expression of the person I was. Years passed by and I left the site after a personal tragedy, and it was a while before I actually felt like I was ready to take the steps to become a hopeful and shoot my first set. What I found when I reentered the SG universe was that things had really changed over the years. The sets with really creative themes and bright beautiful colours were no longer being shot, let alone bought and put on the front page. To me there's no expression any more, there's nothing that sets the site apart from mainstream softcore porn, and I never saw porn as part of my future.
This is not my community.
Like I said at the start of my blog, there's nobody who's done anything wrong, it just doesn't feel like a good fit for me any more. When I first joined the site years ago I found a community of people who thought like me, who had the same interests as me, and who would support me through the tough times. From those early days I've made some friends for life. Unfortunately most of those people are gone. Like everything in life, the site gradually changed, and old members were replaced by new members. I've tried to form new relationships with the latest crew of members, but I've found it so hard. I feel like I'm an outsider and I just don't fit in with the people here.
At the sydney shootfest earlier in the year I was surrounded by people, but I felt utterly alone, and that loneliness triggered my anxiety to the point that I had to leave a day earlier than I planned. I just couldn't force myself to try and fit in with people who just weren't a good fit for me. I was the proverbial square peg trying to fit in a round hole, and I just can't do that to myself any more. Like I said before, nobody has done anything wrong or gone out of thier way to exclude me, I don't blame anyone for what's happened, I just need to move on and find people like me, and I think I may have found that in my local lolita community.
That's it. Those are my 3 main reasons for going. I didn't write this to upset anyone, this is just what I've been feeling since the start of the year, my own interpretation of my personal experiences of being a hopeful. If anything here has upset you please message me, I didn't mean to be malicious, only to try and put in to words what's been going through my mind these past months.
If anyone wants to keep in touch with me send me a message and we'll exchange details.
