undeserving

wow, what a couple of days. that last, super emo, update was done in the middle of an all night homework session. not a wink of sleep and i still didn't get everything i needed to done. i didn't get anything that was due for today done either because that would have required no sleep for two nights in a row. that would have been epic, and in a way i wanted to do it just to be able to say that i'd done it. at about midnight though i just decided that it was simply not going to happen.

when we were cleaning up after the show at the 8th Note tonight i found a zipper hoodie that someone'd left behind. i put it on and it fit incredibly well. on the tight side, but very nicely. i was amazed when i took it off and found it to be a small. what the fuck? me fitting into a small? ectasia kinda gave me the, "yeah, it's because you're small" line. i don't know, i guess it's the ugly duckling syndrome deal. i'm so used to being the chubby kid that i was growing up that i have a hard time seeing myself as skinny. when i entered high school i was about 5'7" and 170 pounds. i lost about 35 pounds between football and wrestling (which i went out for to stay in shape for football). by sophmore year i'd grown to about 5'11", which is about where i'm at now. though i'd put plenty of weight back on during the spring/summer months, that year i wrestled the 140 lb. weight class. granted, for three months i was dieting myself something fierce (only 500 calories a day), in such a constant state of dehydration that i had a nosebleed everyday for two and a half weeks, and worked out in sweats everyday. on top of that i usually had to cut a pound or two in the hours right before weigh ins for the meet or tournament. that process went something like this:
2 pairs of long johns, 2 pairs of sweat pants, long underwear top, t-shirt, a long sleave shirt, 2 sweatshirts, a beanie, a hoodie with the hood up and drawn tight, a pack of gum so that you can spit continuously, and a stepper machine set on the highest level it will go for anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes.
people've told me in years since that i was really, really super skinny then, which i guess i can see now. at the time though, i was still in the mentally chunky state. in the years after that i slowly moved up in weight classes as my will power for not eating went down. i've been consistantly fluxuating between about 170 and 185 since i graduated. i think the most i ever got up to was about 190. over the summer i just simply tried to adhear to only eating if i was actually hungry. i was pretty physically inactive, so being at home and having the structure of 3 meals a day only served to put on pounds. just in the way my pants and shit were fitting i knew that i was losing a little bit of weight (i think i was around 160 when i last checked). i was totally surprised though to have a few people comment, upon my arrival back at school, that i looked like i'd lost weight. i truly didn't think it was anything really substantial that i'd lost, but apparently it was more than i'd thought/expected. i'm really not into vanity or fishing for compliments, so it was weird for me to have it be mentioned.

i'm pretty much over my cold, though i wouldn't mind catching another one. i somehow managed to finagle the little ball of hotness known as saramonster into hanging out in milwaukee with me for the weekend. but her cold's getting the best of her right now, so plans have been suspended for later.

it's really nice outside right now and i'm not too sure how many quality nights like this we've got left. though i don't think i'm entirely caught up on sleep, and could totally see going to bed right now, i think a walk to pizza shuttle to take advantage of a coupon i've been holding on to is in order.




"did you know my sweet, that i once took the liberty of watching you in your sleep?"