undeserving

well my "angry teenage" years have come to a close. last night they didn't really go out with a bang i guess...hardly even a fizzle or a pop really. i saw meg for the first time last night since what i will refer to only as "the event" (it's in the last journal update). i took her to see les mis (her favorite musical), it was a wonderful show even sitting in the obstructed view section of the 3rd balcony with some crazy old coot sitting behind us talking the whole time. but i suppose the more important happenstance of last night was having what i already knew was true confirmed. it's over. there's nothing i can do, and no way to win her back. i've demolished any basis for her ever trusting me and made her look like a fool for ever doing so in the first place, and needless to say i'm really fucking ashamed of myself. not only did i lose her now too, but i feel like i'm losing myself again. see, before i was with meg i'd really felt no emotion for anyone or thing for about 7 or 8 months. it seemed like i was losing myself to the point that i didn't even really know who i was or what i was becoming. when she came into my life though i started to feel again, but not just sadness or lonliness, i actually felt endeering things for another person. more amazing though was the fact that those feelings were reciprocated back to me. it was amazing. but now i'm sliding back to where i was before. i work, i keep busy, i don't think, i don't dwell, i don't feel...at all. all because i'm too fucking weak to stop myself. so now i'm left with t-minus one week until i'm supposed to be taking my ex who i cheated with to see bright eyes. i wouldn't have gotten the tickets had she not gotten me something for christmas out of the blue, thus making myself feel obligated to do something for her. but now i really don't want to be spending any time at all with her. much more, i really don't want to be seen for the first time since finding out what all went down by my friends who don't know my ex, but know meg. like i said, i'm really fucking ashamed of myself at this point, because this is something i'd of never thought that i would be capable of. i'll probably try and get a hold of my ex later to see if she know's anyone who'd want my ticket because i really don't want to go. actually, if there's anyone here who wants a front row ticket to bright eyes in milwaukee next sunday, and wants to stand next to my ex, we might be able to work something out.