unallocated

A long time ago, I came to this site full of optimism. There's so much plastic in life. So much artificial beauty. So much judging and so much sadness. Here was a group of alternate people who were not like that. Only, that whole attitude, the mutual fear of each other, as a society, the instinct to fear, to push people away, it's permeated everything.

Before I came here I was in school. I was happy. Young. Innocent. Then I got older.

I saw a movie the other day, which has come to be quite a parallel with my life. I saw the movie, Lord of War. It's about an arms trafficker. The central theme is supposed to be arms. But really it's loneliness. It's about your soul being lost.

I think collectively our soul is lost in society. We have an inbuilt instinct to hate each other. We say we are nice people in a society, but really we are at war. When we push to get past other people. When we strive to thrive at the cost of our neighbour. It's in the way we are suspicious of everyone. It's in the way we judge each other every moment of every day, and try to cut people down when they're winning.

Slowly I became less innocent and happy. The simple pleasures of a smile on a sunny day were replaced with a need. An ever growing, never ending need to stockpile money. Wealth and power. From fear, and threats comes a desire for defense, strength, wealth, power. More and more, all the time.

Now I have my own flat which is my home and my castle; so strong and defensive. I own two businesses. My money is rising. And although in the past I lived, cried, and tried to reach out and embrace the world, and in return they reacted with a mix of embarassment and ridicule, at this person trying to make friends, now I think I couldn't reach out.

I think it's too late, and I'm too far entrenched in my tower. I think I'll only stockpile more money. More power. And I wonder if it will make me more lonely. But there is no way back. The hate, the ambition, the hard edge, it is what's left after we all burned off the joy.

So be it.

Where is this all going? What is the future for us in society, all hating each other, little wars kept under a tight lid...

Hate me if you like; the truth is you always did. Only, finally, now, the last great light has died and now I hate you too. And the problem is I'm great at hate. Better even than you. And I'm stronger, smarter and faster. And all that, it becomes an engine of hate. Of division, of segregation, of opportunism. You have created a monster. And now watch it destroy everything.