ok...time to do one of those long things where I get something off my chest.
I feel like dont want to be alive. Like there is nothing to stop me from pulling a Chet and speeding my car into a barrier to end it all.
I've never felt uglier or more worthless in my life.
I know the only reason I screw with the guys I do is because just for that one random moment I can fool myself into thinking I am just as beautiful as everyone else. That someone actually wants to just be with me. That someone can hold me and believe that I am what they want.
But I know it isnt true. And I spend all these nights watching these people who I know get these great guys...and then months later break their hearts because they just werent good enough to them. And I think, how do I know I would do any better.
I don't because I never get a shot. I'm just the girl who is so awesome to hang out with that a guy starts to think of me as one of the guys. AND I HATE IT. I'm not a guy. I'm just a stupid girl inside who wants to be loved. Just like the pretty, yet very stupid girl you are thinking of right now.
But I've learned to hide it. Because I never get it. Because I am the girl you look through day after day. The same girl who you asked why I act a certain and who told you "because I dont know how to act when I like a guy.
AND YOU LAUGHED.
It isnt any wonder everyone thinks I am a lesbian. How can I be attracted to the same guys who laugh about the way I feel...Don't you understand I just begin to think you are an ass? That's the reason we dont hang out anymore.
I've never been this down on myself my whole life. And I don't know where to turn. All my friends tell me that how I feel isn't true...but I just don't understand why I would feel a certain way if it wasnt. I'm logical, I can usually work things out on my own.
How many guys can you get shot down by before you just don't want to talk to another again? I stopped looking for a guy years ago, but tonite, a good friend of mine said "You are the coolest girl I know, and I just hate to see you alone, why don't you go find someone to make you hapy"
And I didnt have the words to tell him how shitty I really am, and that I am alone because there's always something better than a lump of shit to love you back.
I feel like dont want to be alive. Like there is nothing to stop me from pulling a Chet and speeding my car into a barrier to end it all.
I've never felt uglier or more worthless in my life.
I know the only reason I screw with the guys I do is because just for that one random moment I can fool myself into thinking I am just as beautiful as everyone else. That someone actually wants to just be with me. That someone can hold me and believe that I am what they want.
But I know it isnt true. And I spend all these nights watching these people who I know get these great guys...and then months later break their hearts because they just werent good enough to them. And I think, how do I know I would do any better.
I don't because I never get a shot. I'm just the girl who is so awesome to hang out with that a guy starts to think of me as one of the guys. AND I HATE IT. I'm not a guy. I'm just a stupid girl inside who wants to be loved. Just like the pretty, yet very stupid girl you are thinking of right now.
But I've learned to hide it. Because I never get it. Because I am the girl you look through day after day. The same girl who you asked why I act a certain and who told you "because I dont know how to act when I like a guy.
AND YOU LAUGHED.
It isnt any wonder everyone thinks I am a lesbian. How can I be attracted to the same guys who laugh about the way I feel...Don't you understand I just begin to think you are an ass? That's the reason we dont hang out anymore.
I've never been this down on myself my whole life. And I don't know where to turn. All my friends tell me that how I feel isn't true...but I just don't understand why I would feel a certain way if it wasnt. I'm logical, I can usually work things out on my own.
How many guys can you get shot down by before you just don't want to talk to another again? I stopped looking for a guy years ago, but tonite, a good friend of mine said "You are the coolest girl I know, and I just hate to see you alone, why don't you go find someone to make you hapy"
And I didnt have the words to tell him how shitty I really am, and that I am alone because there's always something better than a lump of shit to love you back.
ooookay miss, no making me sniffle at work!
first off, from an outside perspective, your crew of friends seems to screw you over or mistreat you on a regular basis. i know i let the same thing happen to me with certain people, and i don't do anything about it. BUT there are people out there who won't do that. it has nothing to do with you as a person, but rather just how those people are.
you do come off as a tough girl..one who doesn't let anything bother you. so maybe for this guy his laughing was just his reaction to 'holy crap, megan is afraid of something.' but us girls know that no matter how tough you are on the outside, that you've still got the same things ticking on the inside..you just mask them better.
it makes me sad to know you're hurting so much. i really wish you could teleport out here for a month just to see if things are different. i'm not saying that people still aren't assholes, but it's just a different vibe or something. if i had a dollar for every guy friend i know who says 'i just wish i could find a cool girl' and my response is..'uuuh..yeah..i have 3 close female friends, and they're all taken.'
don't give up on the friendship thing with guys, even though they're retards. odds are they'll hurt you just as much as if you were dating
here's eleventy billion hugs going your way. and a huge thanks from Dan about the book you sent. his whole family is now on the waiting list to borrow it. i'm not, simply because everytime he finished reading a chunk i'd get a verbal recap.
you're awesome at making people smile. and that will come back around your way one of these days!!!
and now, a pirate.