twistedkittenfur

I sorta feel like if anything else could go wrong it would. Saying that I'm not to upset with that aspect. I'm bored with what little my life right here has to offer, and I don't know what to do with myself. Surprisingly though I'm in a fairly good mood about that. I've just come to the conclusion that I'm bat shit crazy and there isn't anything I can do about it. I don't really think about the past to much because when I do I have urges to do stupid things. I feel worthless and small. I should say I don't really reflect on the past, because, in a since, I think about it. I state it as facts to others, but it's like I turn off feeling, yet that leaves me cold. It sorta feels like there is a hole in my chest and it's empty and it hurts...and if I just don't think about it it becomes numb and it's darkness sorta fades out. And I will spend as much time as I can blundering through my life at full speed ready to run to , ready to jump at any experience, any opportunity, whatever I think I want. Yet its days like this when I'm physically hurt, and everyone is asleep, where I know everything I do is to try to fill the void, replace what I willingly gave away, and I'm tearing apart myself. It's Ironic that that's the approach I take to try to rebuild. I'd like to say I am trying to change this, but that would be a lie. I'll blunder through life till I hit rock bottom, or like before the wounds will just scab over sealing in the pain so if anyone ever tries to get close It'll feel uncomfortable and I'll push them away. So I guess the question I need to ask myself is Are you prepared to live with loneliness or Are you going to change something? I hope some where deep inside I have the strength to change, I just wish I knew where to begin. I'm not really upset today, I'm just feeling reflective.