If I was a building, I'd be the tallest building with the sharpest sides it would make your eyes bleed to look at me.

If I was a car, I'd definitely be a pickup truck. A Tacoma. Except I'd talk and say "yee-haw" lots.

If I was furniture, I'd be a bed with really soft pillows and amazing sheets. You'd never want to leave me you fucking lazy bastard.

If I was a dog, I'd be a german shepard-mix (like Oscar) except I wouldn't make those ridiculous whining noises like a pussy. (Oscar is my new roommate.)

If I was a birdcage, I wouldn't be a birdcage because they suck.

If I could've picked my eyeballs, I'd pick brown ones. God fucked up.

If I were Marilyn Monroe, I would've learned to shoot a gun... and dip chewing tobacco.

If I weren't so lazy right now, I'd be hanging out in mid-town with boys wearing eyeliner or sticking the baby in a blender.

If I were pregnant right now, I'd chew off my leg.

If I didn't work a zillion hours a week, I might want to hang out more.

If I could leave the house wearing anything I wanted, I'd wrap myself in my mother's quilt and poke my arms out the sides. And feel like sex.

If I went to church, I'd get even less sleep on a Sunday morning.

If it could be any time of the day right now, I'd rewind time back to early evening and be out on my roof, doing exactly this.

If I could be inside your head, I'd figure you all out and fix your life... all before dinnertime.

If I could kiss my own shoulders and neckline, fuck yeah, I'd do it. My skin is a zillion times softer there.

If I could wear stilettos everyday, I probably would.

If I were you, I wouldn't call me.

If there was no such thing as timezones, I could call my sister in Europe and she'd be awake.

If I could remember to floss every day, I'd be a better person.

If it was my birthday, I'd get lots of presents and I'd write a thank-you note for every single one.

If Jim called me back, I'd give him my loft-bed.