When guess who shows up? I have a past that involved being molested as a child (i'm working on it, first step is to come to terms right?). Haven't guessed yet?
He...walks in, the guy. The man who royally fucked up my entire childhood and adolescents... of all the days, of all the times. Oh the thoughts that flew through my head, I couldn't do anything I quite literally froze up. I excused myself to the washroom, splashed water all over my face and sat back down at my table pretending this wasn't happening. I got back to the table clearly distraught because my friend Trav asked what was up and I guess in my drunkenness I said it quite loudly because all my friends now heard and knew what was going on.
We continued our conversation I kept trying to pretend nothing was up, that it wasn't bothering me (it was).
He'd leave soon, right? wrong!
no guess who makes eye contact with me now? wtf... he fucking recognized me
Then like nothing is the matter (maybe taking pleasure in the terror on my face) he walks over to the table, and says "Hi, how are it's been awhile" like nothing ever happened. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't move, I couldn't scream. I was 220 lbs of uselessness. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like, you have to experience it to know it was like I was 9 again and didn't know what was going on.
I can't take credit for what happened next, no matter how much I've wished I could. I was not this strong.
Stefan an old friend I haven't even talked to since grade 12 stands up face to face with him basically tells him to leave the bar or he will make him leave. Stefan ended up helping him out after some choice words were said. Stefan was not allowed back in though either. I haven't seen him in like 5 years and he gets himself kicked out of a bar for me. And I was too frozen to even say thank you.
When working through this stuff you always imagine a scenario where you'd see the person again, for me it involved a dark alley where I removed his testicles with a sharp instrument of some sort. But these I guess are just passing thoughts to help you deal with the emotional rush of everything that can be fucked up, being fucked up by one person. Because when it came down to it, I couldn't even look at him or move or do anything. I wanted to grab the st.patty's hat he had on and punch a whole through the top (lawyer scene in marry poppins style) hitting him in the face, I wanted to mock his 1980s tracksuit, I just wanted to cause him the humiliation that he caused me. But I couldn't even bring myself to do it. Fear. Hate. Happiness. Love. All these emotions were flying through my head, I couldn't stop them. When I became conscious I felt, sad. Not for me, for him. He came to the bar alone, clearly not doing well for himself, a dollar store St. Patty's hat a week after the holiday, and clearly lonely because he had to resort to coming over to the kid he molested almost 12 years ago. To me now he is no one. And I am thankful.
