Morning.. hell.
Someday I'd like to be able to sleep more than 3 or 4 hours at a time..
I'm very worried. Maja hasn't been around at all in a week. I'm generally a worrier but thats unlike her. Left her a message to let me know when she gets it. God I hope she's alright.
Is it selfish of me to wish someone to be alive that would rather be dead? It kinda feels like it. I dunno. She doesn't wanna be here anymore.. She just wants the pain to stop.. and I can't blame her. We'd never have met if I hadn't been the same way. But I've apparently reached some kind of temporary satisfaction that makes it ok for me to go on. For now atleast. Try to overcome the mistakes I've made, hurt I've caused.. for myself and ones I love. She never seems to be able to reach that plain, not even for a second. She never feels a reason to go on.. but is too scared to end it outright.
Well, she *has* been. I have come now to the realization that maybe she said the hell with it finally. Maybe she just fucked up and took too much, she does that. Maybe she's in the hospital.. maybe she's not. Maybe she *did* do it.. on purpose or by accident it doesn't matter..
If so, its what she wanted. Her pain was great. I knew that and I couldn't argue with her about that. She knew I knew that too. When its not a cry for help.. When its not about attention. When you really are just tired of hurting or it hurts so much that you just wanna die, nothing anyone can say is gonna matter. No cliched bullshit is gonna fix everything inside. Especially coming from ones who don't have a fucking clue. And you just do it. Or try to. No notes. No goodbyes. None of that matters.
I just wish I knew. We know no mutual people. If I can't get through to her directly then thats it. I've got no way of knowing. Her birthday is in a few days. April 1st. What a sick joke. As if cursed from birth or something.
She would say "I love you." I know it was just like a "you kick ass, I'm glad you're here" kinda thing. But all I ever would say was "I know." Like some smart ass bastard like some Han Solo or something. She knew/knows I care and I'd tell her that.. but I dunno. She had a hard time understanding.. like how I could find someone like her lovely, as miserable and useless as she felt and how much she hates herself. But just as quick as I can find something ugly in something beautiful, I can find something beautiful in something ugly.. thats metaphorical of course. When I couldn't walk she's the one who tried to hold me up, though she could barely hold herself up. And thats something I never forget.
I never played her the song I wrote for her either..
But again this is like all so not final. Maybe she's still around.. maybe this is all for nothing. She doesn't just pull disappearing acts either though.. So what if she's not? *sigh....* : ( Then.. I will miss her so much.. But I hope she is where she's wanted to be. And she's with her mother again. But, either way, wherever she is, I hope that she's smiling.. And that she knows that I love her.
Someday I'd like to be able to sleep more than 3 or 4 hours at a time..
I'm very worried. Maja hasn't been around at all in a week. I'm generally a worrier but thats unlike her. Left her a message to let me know when she gets it. God I hope she's alright.
Is it selfish of me to wish someone to be alive that would rather be dead? It kinda feels like it. I dunno. She doesn't wanna be here anymore.. She just wants the pain to stop.. and I can't blame her. We'd never have met if I hadn't been the same way. But I've apparently reached some kind of temporary satisfaction that makes it ok for me to go on. For now atleast. Try to overcome the mistakes I've made, hurt I've caused.. for myself and ones I love. She never seems to be able to reach that plain, not even for a second. She never feels a reason to go on.. but is too scared to end it outright.
Well, she *has* been. I have come now to the realization that maybe she said the hell with it finally. Maybe she just fucked up and took too much, she does that. Maybe she's in the hospital.. maybe she's not. Maybe she *did* do it.. on purpose or by accident it doesn't matter..
If so, its what she wanted. Her pain was great. I knew that and I couldn't argue with her about that. She knew I knew that too. When its not a cry for help.. When its not about attention. When you really are just tired of hurting or it hurts so much that you just wanna die, nothing anyone can say is gonna matter. No cliched bullshit is gonna fix everything inside. Especially coming from ones who don't have a fucking clue. And you just do it. Or try to. No notes. No goodbyes. None of that matters.
I just wish I knew. We know no mutual people. If I can't get through to her directly then thats it. I've got no way of knowing. Her birthday is in a few days. April 1st. What a sick joke. As if cursed from birth or something.
She would say "I love you." I know it was just like a "you kick ass, I'm glad you're here" kinda thing. But all I ever would say was "I know." Like some smart ass bastard like some Han Solo or something. She knew/knows I care and I'd tell her that.. but I dunno. She had a hard time understanding.. like how I could find someone like her lovely, as miserable and useless as she felt and how much she hates herself. But just as quick as I can find something ugly in something beautiful, I can find something beautiful in something ugly.. thats metaphorical of course. When I couldn't walk she's the one who tried to hold me up, though she could barely hold herself up. And thats something I never forget.
I never played her the song I wrote for her either..
But again this is like all so not final. Maybe she's still around.. maybe this is all for nothing. She doesn't just pull disappearing acts either though.. So what if she's not? *sigh....* : ( Then.. I will miss her so much.. But I hope she is where she's wanted to be. And she's with her mother again. But, either way, wherever she is, I hope that she's smiling.. And that she knows that I love her.